


The Way to the Stars

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-02-21
Updated: 2006-08-12
Packaged: 2019-01-19 14:14:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12411867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: "Fortune favors the brave...such is the way to the stars."It is said that beautiful light is born of darkness...that faith that springs from conflict is often the strongest and the best.This story examines the path of Lily Evans, from the darkness of war, to the light of the stars.  Written in first person.     ...





	1. Prologue - Madness

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

  
Author's notes: 1  


* * *

 

 

Rain.

 

Lots and lots of _rain._

 

Nevermind the bone-chilling thunder or the maniacal lightning...they only serve to punctuate the incessant, terrential downpour that drones on outside.

 

The thunder is almost muted, and the lightning tries in vain to illuminate the street below, for the perpetual rain bears down consistantly, smothering almost all light and sound and hopes for sunlight.

 

I glare at the window from my uncomfortable chair by the fireplace, hoping strangely that I might intimidate the storm enough to cease so that I can get some goddamn sleep.

 

 

This, of course, is foolish.

 

 

But when one has spent the better part of the day braving the aquarium-looking streets of Diagon Alley, only to return to one's overnight lodging to find that the shopping is, infuratingly, not complete, due to a tempermental owl knocking his cage in the floor and destroying it beyond repair, one hardly knows anything other than their anger.

And so it was, I had trekked back out into the storm to buy a new cage, only to return and find reason number two for my foul mood, Wort, who had looked at me empirically as if demanding that I hand over the new cage immediately, and as though it was my fault the original cage had been broken in the first place.

 

Meanwhile, Wort-the-Owl sleeps soundly in his new cage, and I completely resent him for it and feel completely justified in doing so.

 

 

This might be foolish...I am too tired to know.

 

 

 "Goddamnit, Lily...you'll never win a stare-out with a window and you can't stay angry at a bloody owl...and...you're talking to yourself...how utterly _fantastic._ "

 

 

Indeed, I think I've gone slightly mad.  Perhaps it's the lack of sleep, or the weather...or both...

 

 Or maybe it's the thought of exercising my duties as Head Girl tomorrow, or my first day of my last year at Hogwarts...or both...

 

 

_Goddamnit_.

 

 

Most likely it is all of this, coupled handsomely with the steady rise of a menacing force of evil that threatens to unravel the magical community and then re-weave it in the most grotesque and horrible way...this, and the looming reminders of it, which are visible everywhere I turn...it is surely enough to drive one insane.

 

Men, women, and childrend killed...families destroyed...countless missing...rape, looting, violence, terror, and even possible necromancy...it's no small wonder I feel maddened with the ugliness of it all.

 

 

And the _fear._

 

 

I pride myself on being a brave Gryffindor, a good leader, and an intelligent young woman, but all this...chaos...it terrifies me and I feel I can't to anything about it.

 

Maybe it terrifies me _because_ I can't do anything about it.

 

 

 Or can I?

 

 

I sighed and retreated to the bed for what seemed like the hundredth time, and plopped down in what I was sure was the most ungraceful way imaginable.

Groaning, I stretched and temporarily let go of my frustrations and anxiety, and attempted to get some fucking sleep.

 

 

 It has been raining for almost a week now, and after a summer of enduring Petunia and reading the news, only to swear it off then read it again, the weather seems suiting.

 

 

Which is exactly why I want it to bloody stop.

 

 

Perhaps then I can actually feel like a teenage girl and not a barking mad lunatic..ha! Who am I kidding? Even if the rain stops I will still feel mad, and rightfully so, as my world that I've come to love closes in on me.

 

 

Only...I'll embrace it, because as much as I hate this rampant chaos that has become my life, I relish it...the challenge...the chance to _do something_...to know that my life already has meaning before the age of 20...to appreciate everything and everyone I hold dear, because tomorrow I could be left with nothing and no one.

 

 

The thought scares me to death.

 

 

 

 

But this is a war...and I am going to fight like hell.

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter One - Caught in a Current

 

 

The following morning found me in slightly better spirits.

 

The rain still pounded on outside, but I was rather cheery while I prepared to leave, though I was running late due to oversleeping, which was no doubt due to my inability to sleep at all the previous night.

 

I was going to see my friends today.

 

I grinned widely as I pulled a nubby, navy blue jumper over my head, before runnning amok in my knickers in a mad search for my jeans.  I found them strewn under the bed, having no idea how they got there.

 

I was not used to being frazzled...it did not suit me at all.

 

After pulling them on (and nearly ripping them in half by sticking my foot in the hole of the knee), I somehow managed to simultaneously put on my trainers, brush my teeth, tie up my hair, and give Wort a good telling off before finally gathering my things and heading down to the tavern of the Leaky Cauldron to check out and grab some breakfast (though I found one of my shoes untied, I had toothpaste on my face, my hair was threatening to come loose from its ribbon, and Wort found my tyrade absolutely hilarious...he managed to poop on the floor one last time before we finally did make it downstairs.).

 

Indeed, sometimes I feel completely foolish.

 

 

I breathed a sigh of relief when I sat down to a cup of coffee and a cigarrette, exhaling it in and out as slowly as my lungs would allow.  Dash the damn bagel...this was the breakfast of champions.

 

 

 I will be glad to get back to Hogwarts.

 

 

I briefly entertained the thought of returning to find McGonagall in a white lab coat, ushering me into the padded walls of Gryffindor Tower, while 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds' played from somewhere unknown.

 

I laughed out loud and realized that Hogwarts was sort of a sanitarium... providing asylum for the troubles beyond its grounds.

 

If I were a religious person, I probably would have thought of it as a sanctuary, with Dumbledore as a preist and McGonagall, a nun.  I suppose in the great hall there would be an alter amidst stained-glass windows, and our wands would be rosaries.

 

 

Alas, I am not a very religious person, and asylum for the mind appeals to me far more than sanctuary for the body.

 

 

It was during these strange musings that Catherine arrived, waving madly and trodding across to where I sat, still smoking, and feeling better by the minute.  

 

She was dragging her everpresent guitar and her flute, as well as her trunk and the largest umbrella I had ever seen.  She greeted me loudly, saying "Lily, darling!" and hugging me around the neck, before dropping her things and plopping down dramatically.  "Oh sod it all!  I'll throw a party when this infernal rain stops." she said, completely serious.  Indeed, sod the rain, for she was soaking wet.

 

 

How she managed to get drenched under that circus tent of an umbrella, I'll never know.  

 

 

When I asked her this, she rolled her large brown eyes and lit her own cigarette, looking completely glamorous.  

 

 

Catherine Wallace, artist extroidinare, had a flare for dramatics.

 

 

"You look wonderful." I told her through a chuckle, and it was the truth.  She always did look wonderful, but her normally light-brown hair was nearly blonde and still in the devilishly cute pixie cut she'd always had.  It fell in wisps and bangs around her impish face, and this, coupled by her slender and tall appearance made her look like a fairy that effortlessly wore the 'I'm-look-like-a-thrift-shop-bum-but-I'm-rich-and-fabulous' look.  Apparently, the infernal rain had not made it to Italy, where she had spent the last two weeks, for her skin was tanned and I felt pale and boring in comparison.

 

The whole look completely suited her.

 

 I had met Catherine (or Cat, as she was usually referred to) on the train in our first year.  We were both sorted into Gryffindor, and both of us being muggle-born, we decided to stick together.  She was deceitfully intelligent, meaning she could probably pass her classes with ease, but could care less, and was often mistaken to be an unintelligent, crass, snob.

 

But she was intelligent, and though she was definately crass, she was not a snob.  She had inherited an obscene amount of money from her parents, who had died in a plane crash when she was only aged six.  

 

I sometimes think that most of her vast creativity stems from that event...that she still mourns them in her various works of art.  She is an artist in every sense of the word...poet, painter, musician, dancer, and sometimes actress...but when she plays her flute,it's just magical, for lack of a better word.  I never tire of hearing her play it; it has brought me near to tears countless occasions.

 

And I, Lily Evans, am no cryer.

 

She played her guitar well too, but she was a prodigy of sorts, and could probably play any kind of instrument; the flute just happened to be the one she'd known since childhood.  The one she carries now, a beautiful silver one of a dainty make, was a gift from her mother, who also played.  The guitar, however, she took from some poor bloke who'd crossed her badly in America...she was always one for revenge.

 

"Goddamnit..." she swore, glancing at her watch, "Lily, we are going to be late if we don't leave right fucking now.  Fuck."  she finished, turning up her coffee and grabbing her things in a rush.  I gathered my own things and said to her "It's alright, Cat, Eleanor will be fine; you know her mother won't leave her unless sure of her safety." 

 

"I know..." she said, holding open the door and hailing the nearest cab, "but we've never failed to meet her at the station.  Not once."

 

 

We loaded our things and were off, and I attempted in vain to fix my hair while Catherine swore to the driver that she would triple the fee if we made it in under ten minutes.

 

 

We made it in twelve, but Catherine paid the triple fee anyway, departing with a wink to the harassed cabbie.  She then instigated a full-on race with me to the platform, yelling things like 'Pick it up, you cow!' and 'If I can run in heels, you should be able to fly in those mangey, old sneakers!'  I, of course, laughed at this, and proceeded to take the lead in the race.  

 

When we arrived at the platform (amid curious looks and scolds from various senior citizens), we casually stopped and looked around, before walking through it to the other side, where the race picked back up in full force.

 

Catherine did like to play the part of maternal drill sergeant when it came to Eleanor, and she played it well.  And while I was always concerned for the third and last member of our party, I left the dramatics to Catherine, which I'm sure she preferred.  

 

We had met Eleanor in our third year.  She had transferred to Hogwarts from Beauxbatons, on the premises that her mother (a French woman) and her father (an Englishman) were needed in London at the Ministry to aid in the war.  She was of pure blood, but had the most kind disposition and not a prejudice bone in her petite body (I thank her parents for her mindset...bless them.).  She was insanely smart, and excelled in all of her classes, much to Catherine's annoyance, for she also was the one to keep us on our toes.  I envied her...she seemed so wise at times, as if she were an old soul trapped in a young girl's body; the type of person who rarely speaks, but when she did it was always something clever or profound, and everyone listened. 

 

She was beautiful, but strangely so...with impossibly tight curls that fell past her shoulders in a mass of darkness...nearly black...and when she smiled nearly all of her perfect teeth were visible.

 

She was mysterious at times, and I don't think either Catherine or I will ever fully figure her out.  When she'd been sorted into Gryffindor, Catherine and I were not present, for we were busy overflowing the toilets in the boys bathroom.  We had retreated to our room early, avoiding dinner, lest we be caught, and therefore missed the introduction and sorting of the new witch from Beauxbatons.  She had been led to our room by McGonagall, for it was only Catherine and I and we had plenty of space, and upon her entrance, she got a full understanding of how _not_  to piss off the transfiguration professor.

 

 

We had been caught, and she had found it _absolutely hilarious._

 

 

Only, she never got to see our guilty faces, or Mcgonagall's furious one, or her new room or school, for that matter.

 

 

Eleanor Mabry was blind, and had been since birth.

 

 

Which is why we always met her at the station without fail, in order to help her if need be, but moreso to give her mother peace of mind.

 

We finally found her standing with the aforementioned mother, speaking in rapid French and doing so without moving a single hand or eyebrow, a feat which Catherine would never be able to do.

 

Said drama queen opened up her arms and ran forward, exclaiming, "Elle!!  I was so worried we wouldn't make it...damn heavy rain, you know..."

 

Eleanor laughed and hugged us both, and quickly bid her mother farewell.  Once she had, she addressed us cheerily.  "Girls," she said walking forward with her cane, a beautifully twisted and carved peice that was the perfect height for her and made of teak, "I have missed you both terribly.  Now let's get on the train so Catherine can tell us all about the art of shagging an Italian."

 

We did just that, amidst laughter and Catherine gushing like a little girl over Eleanor's new sunglasses, until Eleanor let her try them on, a rare occurence.  She never let anyone see her eyes if possible, which I found odd because they were very pretty.  Striking, even, if not a bit eerie.She had said they tend to 'scare people' so she tried to spare them when possible.

   

When we found a compartment, Catherine streched out upside-down on one of the seats and crossed her legs before beginning the tale of her summer, while Eleanor and I sat opposite her with rapt attention.  When asked by Eleanor if she'd encountered any 'Italian Stallions', Catherine coyly told us of _Marcello_ , and their many trysts, leading us both to believe that yes, Marcello was definately a _stallion_. 

 

"What of your summer with your grandparents?" she then asked of Eleanor, who frowned in thought.  While Catherine awaited a response, she popped her chewing gum loudly, causing me to look up from the examining of my cuticles with a start.

 

"It was...I dunno...surreal? Yes.  It was surreal." she said at last.

 

"How so?" I asked,  going to the door and locking it so I could change into my robes.  I frowned as I pinned on the Head Girl badge.  I had never expected to get it, and wasn't entirely sure I was cut out for it.

 

"It was just odd...to leave here, where the war is so evident, and then lounge around in the south of France all summer, where the worst that happened was me getting stung by a jellyfish."

 

"Be glad you weren't here." I said seriously, "I am so sick of reading about all this...death and destruction.  Yet I can't stand the thought of not knowing what's going on...and I think I've gone mad, did I tell you?  Sorry about the jellyfish, by the way."

 

"Aye, " Catherine said in mock-seriousness, "poor thing was talking to herself and raging at her owl all night, she was.  Oh, and let's not forget her picking a fight with the storm."

 

 

I promptly gave Catherine the finger, at which she stuck out her toungue.

 

 

"You haven't gone mad, Lily." Eleanor said soothingly...she always spoke that way. "You just feel ansty, I think.  You're under alot of stress."

 

 "Perhaps," I agreed, "but I don't like it one bit.  I feel as though I'm losing control...like I'm caught in a current that won't let me go.  It makes me... _angry_."

 

"I _think_..." Eleanor said with a wry grin, "I think you're just growing up, is all.  You're not in complete control of your life and it bothers you.  Don't worry, we all feel that way."

 

"Not me." said Catherine.  "I love losing control.  Control is binding-"

 

"-and losing it is liberation."  Eleanor finished.  She was always doing that.

 

 

There was a knock on our door, and I unlocked it, only to find a cheeky-looking Sirius Black on the other side.  I smirked at him, as he leaned casually in the doorway, looking curiously down at Catherine.

 

"Pussy Cat," he said, using the name he'd given her the year previous, which she abhorred (most of the time, anyway)."Pussy Cat, tell me something...what in Merlin's name are you _doing?_ " 

She glanced up lazily and then looked back up at the roof of the cabin and replied, "Why Sirius, I am letting the blood slowly flow to my head in an attempt to kill myself and spare my dignity from your raunchy presence...excuse me, whilst I slowly die."

 "I see," he said conversationally, "carry on then.  Lily, a word please."

 

 

I frowned and got up, wondering what on Earth this could be about.  I was certainly more tolerant of Sirius than I'd ever been...of the 'marauders' in general, for that matter, but I was still warming up to the idea of being friendly with the same boys who'd lit my hair on fire in our second year.

 

 

"Sirius...I have to be in the head's comp-"

 

"-I know." he said, waving me off.  "Just...listen Lily...I need to tell you something."

 

"I'm listening." I said, my curiousity officially peaked.  It was a rare occurence indeed to see Sirius Black acting remotely mature and...worried?

 

"Remus is going to be joining you as temporary head boy, only it's-"

 

"-the day after a full moon, I know.  Is he alright?  I thought James was-"

 

"Remus is fine...he's as he always is, but I just wanted to tell you that he will be filling in for James because...well...James is missing."  He said at last and exhaled greatly, looking like I'd never seen him look before.

 

 

 

My mind could not fully process this information, so I blinked dumbly, and managed a "What?"

 

 

 

"He's been missing for almost a week now, his family too, and no one knows where they are or what's going on.  I've been at Remus' and neither us nor the ministry know anything about the whole thing.  They think...well, they think it's Voldemort."

 

 I was sure I paled, and my mind rushed through a thousand thoughts, none of them fully formed, only the taste of confusion left in my mouth, which had gone dry. "But...you don't know anything?  I thought you lived with the Potters?"

 

"I have been, but I was visiting Remus when James owled me and said to stay there-"

 

 "-and you did." I continued, but Sirius shook his head.

 

 "Of course not.  We knew something was wrong, so we both went and found nothing...only signs of a struggle, and so we contacted the ministry, who've been searching for them since.  It's mad, Lily.  I almost don't know what to do with myself.  I just wanted you to know, as they declared them officially missing today, and so you'll probably hear all kinds of tripe.  That, and well...I thought you'd want to know."

 

I nodded vaguely, and then stood strait and put my hand on his shoulder. "Thanks, Sirius." I said sincerely, "Let me know if you find out anything...or if any of you need anything."   I then proceeded down the corridor with nothing but picking up the reigns in mind.

 

 

 

I had to maintain a semblance of control.

 

 

 

I could not dwell on any of this horrible situation until I had time to think rationally, as I was prone to do.

 

 

But as I opened the door to the head's compartment to find a haggard Remus trying to subdue the roar of the alarmed prefects, I couldn't help but feel panic, or some sense of it, like a mother who can't find her child at the market. 

 

 I was scared shitless...until now I had thought James Potter invincible...and had only formed a sort of strange friendship with him the year previous, as he'd stopped asking me out, so I hadn't the chance to really think about what _losing_ him would be like...

 

 

I shook my head and proceeded to calm the prefects.

 

 

For now, I had to pick up the reigns.

 

 

But later... _later_ , I would march up to the headmaster's office and find out all I needed to know.

 

 

_Goddamnit._

 

 

 

 

 My world is closing in on me, and I feel powerless to stop it.

 

 

 


	3. Chapter Two - Waiting and Hoping

 

I took off my badge and twirled it around in my hand, frowning at it uncertainly as I slowly walked through the drafty corridor.

 

Thankfully, nearly all of the portraits were asleep by now, and those who weren't did not seem keen on making conversation at this time of night.

 

_Good._

 

 

Now I can finally collect my thoughts.

 

I turned a corner and put the badge away; as little faith as I had in myself over my headship, the Headmaster seemed to think otherwise, and the thought was comforting.

_"My dear Ms. Evans,"_ he had said kindly, _"please trust my judgement on this as well as...other matters.  It will not do to lack in confidence this year; we must know our abilities and use them to do what is right."_

 

I knew I agreed with him...over the headship, at least.  When he had asked me if I trusted anyone else to do it, I had understood.

 

I am going to do it, and do it well.

 

As for the _other matters_...I'm still not sure what to think, for even though the twinkle was not lost from those kind eyes of Albus Dumbledore, I got the sneaking suspicion that he was immensely worried.

 

Not to mention, angry...I had seen it briefly...a certain flicker of it, if only a shade of anger...but it was there and gone in only a moment.

 

 

I kept walking until I reached the owlry, not quite sure why my legs had brought me here, or if it was my legs at all.

 

I seated myself by the ledge of one of the windows and looked out through the rain over the grounds.

 

This sort of thing might have annoyed me...not being able to _see_ the grounds for the rain, were I not so lost in my thoughts.

 

Sod the rain; there was nothing to do about it but wait...besides, it is quite a soothing and comforting thing when one is not in a mad temper.

 

 

I thought back on Remus' attempts at helping me maintain order earlier today and tonight.  He did his job most valiantly, until I sent him off to the care of Madame Pomfrey, and instated Sirius as my counterpart for only tonight.  This suprisingly proved most effective, or perhaps not surprisingly...

 

 

I sighed and was unable to stop the wry grin from stretching across my face as I lit a long-awaited and well-deserved cigarette.

 

 

 

_The Marauders_.

 

 

 

I had never any intention of even _befriending_ such a group of wizards; indeed I'd never thought it possible.

 

As it is, however, my world is turning upside down and even befriending those who have set one's hair on fire is entirely possible.

 

I laughed softly, and thought on them... _the Marauders_...

 

 

At the end of our second year, I had learned of Remus' 'condition', and therefore recieved a good telling off from James and Sirius, complete with threats of fiery hair and worse, should I tell a soul.

 

 

I never have.

 

 

But one afternoon, Sirius had swore he'd heard me talking to Catherine about it, and so he and James had promptly set my hair ablaze.

 

 

I had wasted no time in putting it out and cursing their arses to kingdom come.

 

 

This, however, led to nearly a week's worth shared stint in the hospital wing, along with a full week's worth shared stint of detention in the trophy room.  By the end of it all, they had learned to trust me, and thus the beginning of the formation of my civility with them.

 

However...I was not  _friends_ with them, save Remus, and so it was that Mr. Lupin provided to be a mutual friend of the strongest kind to all of us, ultimately leading to my recent falling in with them and dragging Catherine and Eleanor along with me for what was sure to be one crazy ride.

 

Remus...he is the reason we are all comrades today; he had 'calmed the waters' and brought us all together in some sort of strange alliance that we _knew_ could not be broken _because_ _he_ had brought us together.  I have always admired and adored Remus...we can talk for hours about anything, and do so frequently, as we have done since I met him.  I truly consider him to be the brother I never had.

 

All of them, I think, are like a band of brothers to me.

 

Even Peter, who unlike Remus, is not big on conversation, but who's meek and awkward nature are endearing...causing one to feel they must protect him.  I could easily see why the others, with their strong personalities, befriended him in the way that they did.

 

What I could _not_ easily see...at first, at least, was the fact that Sirius Black has proven to be one of the most loyal and multifaceted people I have ever met.  Warm and charasmatic, with intelligence to boot, he is much like James, and it is not surprising in the least that they are the best of friends...truly brothers, even.  It is true, Sirius intrigues me, with his perpetual air of mystery and simmering passion that lies hidden behind his non-chalant demeanor...waiting to spew forth at any given time and fight to the death for what he believes in most of all, his friends, which I have concluded that he lives for.

 

 

 

I was briefly reminded of Lancelot...how he believed in nothing but King Arthur, and how he lived his life for his friend and king with unwavering loyalty...only to betray him in the worst way.

 

 

 

But Sirius Black is not Lancelot, and would die before betraying his friends.

 

 

It is true that I like Sirius very much, and that my respect for him has grown tenfold.  Though, it must be said, my tolerance does wear thin at times when he acts a fool...also much like James.

 

 

_J_ _ames_. 

 

 

 

 

I had ceased calling him 'Potter' unless out of jest, for it was just silly...especially in these times...especially _now..._

 

 

If I had to sum up the complexity that is James Potter, I would say he is very much like Sirius and Remus...only with something different...something  _more..._

 

 

Wort suddenly flew down next to me in a rare display of...was it comfort?  I do not know...but I showed my appreciation with a smile and a scratch on his large, brown head, before turning back to my thoughts.

 

 

What was it about James that made him so... _James?_

 

 

I had asked myself this question since I had come to know him, and I was no closer to finding an answer now than I'd ever been.

 

 A natural leader...full of spirit and charm and wit...intelligent...brave...these were things anyone could see in him.

 

What others failed to see, however, was his tenderness...his quiet curiousity and sometimes childlike way of going about things.  He could set off dungbombs one minute, and then contemplate life's secrets the next...or he would disappear inside himself to form some grand scheme.

 

I was reminded of one of our newfound talks the year previous, in which he'd asked me _"Lily...do you think it's possible to save the world?  I mean really..."_   I had shared my thoughts on the matter, and we continued discussing the war and all things related to it as he showed me, for the first time, the wonders of the Hogwarts kitchens.  In the end, after we had made it all the way back to the portrait hole, he had said randomly (though I know now it was not so random), after our argument on every flavor beans, his conclusion on the matter of 'saving the world'. 

 

 

I will never forget it...

 

 

 

_"I suppose the world will always be in need of saving of some sort...prehaps it just depends on how you go about it.  A person could spend their whole life trying to, and in the end, they either have or they've contributed to it."_

 

 

 

Funny really, how you don't know what you have until it's gone...how absence makes the heart grow fonder.  One could even call it ironic, for all intents and purposes.

 

 

But the irony of me suddenly missing James is no laughing matter.  I feel that if I dwell on it, I would surely go mad, yet I cannot ignore it.

 

 

 

What is it I am trying to ignore, anyway?

 

 

 

It must not be just the fact that I miss him, but the reasons _why_ I miss him, that I am evading.  Sure, I cannot deny that I am fond of James, but mere fondness does not lead one to late night inquisitions with the headmaster, nor does it lead one to walk aimlessly to solitude so one might think on such things.

 

 

 

 

No...fondess could never instill panic or fear...nor could it create despair or cause anger.

 

 

 

 

What is it then, if not fondness?

 

 

 

 I lit another cigarette in hopes of getting to the bottom of things.  Fondness certainly doesn't cause one to chain-smoke in the darkness of a window ledge, of that I am sure.

 

 

The only logical conclusion I can come to is that I _care_ for James...really _care_  for him.  I know that he is my friend now...but anything beyond that I cannot give name to.  We share some strange bond of sorts...as if we're adversaries that think we know one another and then _**bam**..._ we're thrown together against our _real_ enemies and have to actually get to know and understand each other in order to unite and achieve victory.

 

 

 

 

But would we still be 'allies' if there was not an enemy to unite us in the first place?

 

 

 

 

Does it matter?

 

 

 

 

Whatever the catalyst, I feel as though I cannot lose him before I've had the chance to _have_ him...to appreciate fully the unique friendship he has to offer.

 

 

 I then remembered what I'd heard in the Headmaster's office, and I stood to return to Gryffindor Tower in hopes that my legs would ease my mind more than my thoughts were.

 

_"You see, Ms. Evans,"_ he had said, _"we have little to no evidence other than the lack of evidence.  There was clearly a struggle, but the only clue we have as to the whereabouts of the Potters is that we have found nothing...meaning, most likely, apparation or a portkey was involved, but I have it on good authority that the Potters have numerous wards and anti-apparation charms set on their home.  For this reason, I am apt to believe that the Potters were taken from their home by another means...most likely by force...to be held captive for whatever reason Voldemort deems necessary.  He knows their importance, and it is because of this that we can be sure they are alive...wherever they are."_

 

 

I sighed deeply and forced myself to believe him.

 

 

The only problem is that I keep remembering that brief look of anger...of fear...of uncertainty...that small ripple in the otherwise steadfast twinlkle of his eyes.

 

 

All I can do now is wait...and hope...and just do my bloody job and help out if need be.  I have to keep about my life and maintain control in leadership...over the students, over my friends, and most importantly, over myself.

 

 

Dammit, I can be such a control freak...Eleanor knows me so well; she was not far from the truth when she'd called me out on it on the trainride earlier that day.  At any rate, in order to keep myself from completely losing it, I feel maintaining that control is a must...however I go about it.

 

 

 

"Pendragon," I said cooly to the portrait of the Fat Lady, who's name I was told earlier, by way of Sirius Black, is actually Matilda.  I entered the tower to find the aforementioned marauder sitting around the fire with Remus and Peter, all three of them looking completely exausted.

 

"Lily..." Remus managed weakly from his armchair, "any news?"

 

 "No."  I said, still cooly.  I think they understand that I mean no offense, and that I am only going into 'cool-calm-collected' mode in order to handle things in my own way...in order to mantain control.  For their understanding, I am thankful.

 

 "What did he say?" Sirius asked around a yawn.

 

"Nothing any of you haven't told me...he's hopeful."  I replied, beginning my ascent to the dormatories.

 

 "Yes, well..." Remus said as he stood, "That's all we can do now, isn't it? Wait and hope...even though it kills us to do so and not run off to do something about it ourselves...just wait and hope."  he finished, and I nodded vaguely though I don't think he could see it.  It was relieving to have friends that understood...and Remus had hit the nail on the head.

 

_Friends._

 

 

 

 

I had thoroughly concluded that, yes, we were all friends now, and that we needed each other...that we needed to stick together...especially now.

 

 

 

Once I reached the top of the landing I heard Peter say something that made me outright smile.

 

 

 

 

"Oh, look...it's stopped raining."

 

 

 

 

Yes...wait and hope.

 

 

 

And in the meantime, I will do my job and carry on with things...picking up the reigns where need be...in faith that the storm will cease...that the rain will stop and things will right themselves.

 

 

 

 

 

Wait.

 

 

 

 

 

and _hope._

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Chapter Three - Of Lakes and Cows

 

 

The following afternoon found the girls and me lounging by the lake and taking full advantage of the long-awaited sunlight.

 

 

"Eleanor, be careful!" warned Catherine, for not the first time, as Eleanor proceeded to dip her bare feet in and out of the water.

 

"Honestly Cat," I sighed, "she's fine.  She can swim, and it's not like the water is very deep here.  Not to mention, we _are_ witches."  I 

was trying my hardest to cloudgaze on my back, but I was getting annoyed with Catherine's maternal dramatics.

 

  Eleanor simply laughed and kept about like a ballerina, happy to get her feet wet just to let the sun dry them and then dip 

them again.

 

"Fine," huffed Catherine, "but if you fall in, Elle, I'm going to leave you to the mercy of the giant squid."

 

"So be it." laughed Eleanor, to which Catherine finally laid down with a final huff.

 

"I think that one looks like a cow." I said (to no one in particular) pointing to the cloud I was currently inspecting.

_"I think,"_ Catherine drawled, "I think it looks a bit like Petunia."

 

"Hm," I nodded in agreement. "stupid cow-"

 

"OH!" Eleanor interjected, spinning around, "The COW!  We _must_ go to it.  We could go tonight!"

 

"I thought you had arithmancy homework?"  I asked, beginning to get excited at the thought of visiting the COW, and 

letting a smile stretch across my face.

 

"I've already finished most of it," Eleanor replied hurriedly, "and after I finish it, Cat and I can meet you behind greenhouse 

three after you do your rounds with Remus."

 

"Sounds good." I said gladly, as Catherine squealed and grinned like a cheshire cat.  "We could definately use the trip." she said 

gleefully to herself.

 

 

The remainder of the afternoon was spent by the lake, mostly in quiet peacefulness.

 

 

  Catherine had taken to her journal, in which she was probably drawing or writing or both.  Eleanor, on the other hand, was still 

at the water's edge, but was now laying down on the grass with her legs dangling into the water below, swinging them back and 

forth serenely.

 

  As the sun set, I took to glancing about the view before me, getting lost in my thoughts as I had been so apt to do lately.

I thought back to a talk I had with my father over the summer.  We had been driving back from my grandparents' house 

in the country, and the long, rainy ride had provided for good conversation.

 

 

_"Papa, are you afraid of dying?"_ I had asked.

_"Honestly Lily, you can be so morbid sometimes."_ he replied with a chuckle.  He then smiled and thought on his answer a bit 

and then said to me, _"I think - I think I am more afraid of not having enough time.  I've never liked deadlines, er, no pun intended, but_

_I think I can honestly say that death itself does not frighten me.  Being taken away before I can see you graduate, you and Petunia_

_married, the grandchildren I hope to have...that is what frightens me most."_

_"You make yourself sound so old."_

_"Lily," he said with a smile, "I_ am _old, and before you know it, you will be too."_

I remember trying to imagine myself then as an old, haggard witch.  I clearly saw myself wearing a shawl that smelled 

of cabbage and living in a house full of cats.  I shivered.

_"Are_ you _afraid of dying, my dear?"_ he then asked me.

_"I think I agree with you, Papa,"_ I said sincerely, _"but for different reasons."_

_"Oh?"_

_"It's just - I feel so insignificant.  I hardly know what I want or who I am anymore and it makes me feel sort of...lost.  I just don't_

_want to die being unsure of myself, and I certainly don't want to go before I've left my mark on the world in some way.  But to fully_

_answer_ _the question, no, death itself does not frighten me."_

 

He had nodded then and  kindly told me something I will never forget.

_"Lily dear, I am not at all surprised that you think on your own mortality, especially in the midst of a war, and I am most confident_

_you will find your way, as you always do.  You see Lily, you are like a lake - still and mysterious and deep.  You might change from_

_time to time and adapt to various things, but you will always remain a lake.  Like the creatures that inhabit lakes, you hold many different_

_aspects of yourself within you, some more desirable than others.  The earth that holds you is your world, the trees that surround and support_

_you, your friends and family.  Animals and people may come and go, just as you, yourself, come across various encounters.  The winter_

_may freeze you, yet come spring you will melt, and the stormy winds will leave you breathless in their discord, but the rain will replenish you,_

_and yet you will stand, supported by those who truly love you and holding fast to the life within you so that you will always remain constant_

_and true to yourself."_

I had thought long and hard on that, and much to Papa's amusement, I had pointed out that Petunia would have to be 

a thornbush instead of a tree.

 

 

  I glanced around the now orange lake before me, curious to gain more insight on this certain perspective 

of myself.  I realized that it is no difficult thing to compare a person to a body of water, but not every person can be considered a lake.

 

  I looked at Eleanor still lounging on her back, her legs still swishing back and forth in the water beneath 

her.  I envied such a strong girl.  Her quiet confidence and strength always seemed to prevail over anything that might darken her 

day.  I imagined her to be a mystical hidden cove of sorts, shrouded by willows and vines and with cool waters as clear as glass, 

perpetually shaded and serene.

  

  I then looked to Catherine, who's hand was now feverishly guiding her quill across her paper, her brows knitted in a determined flow 

of creativity.  I thought of her as a tropical lagoon, bright and beautiful and reflecting all the beauty of her surroundings, as if showing the 

world itself how rich and beautiful life could be, and how scary when the turbulent waves crash upon the surrounding rocks, unfailing in 

portraying the world as only an artist can.

 

 

If Eleanor can be called mystical serenity, and Catherine, artistic reflection, then what does that make me? 

 

 

What sort of a lake am I?

 

 

 I immediately looked around in the last moments of sunlight and hoped that I would become _this_ lake.  It did not please me to 

think of myself as a murky, forgotten place where greenery was scarce and no one wanted to visit.  I realized I didn't want to be a 

shallow lake that would be blown away or dried up so easily.  Gazing at the setting sun behind the horizon, I promised myself that I 

would be a wonderful lake, like the one glittering before me that I'd visited so often, and that at the very least, I would now have a 

sense of perspective to better deal with my life as it is now.

 

 

Indeed, the rain has replenished me, renewed my strength, and I will try my hardest to remain standing.

 

 

 

 

......................................................................................................................

 

 

 

 

"Did you have any trouble?" Remus asked me as we met up after completing our rounds for the night.  He looked so tired, as 

everyone did these days.

 

"None at all, you?"  He shook his head and walked beside me as we made our way down the corridor.  "Any news yet?"  I then asked, 

though I hated doing so, as I already knew the answer.

 

"No." he said with a sigh.  "I caught Sirius looking through one of our photo albums earlier today, though I didn't say anything.  Not 

once have I ever seen him cry, but I swear he was near to tears.  Did you know that we brought most of James' things with us?  Sirius 

wanted to bring them so that James will have them when he returns."

 

I said nothing to this, and he continued.

 

"It seemed a logical thing to do at the time, but now I almost wish we wouldn't have done it.  Having his various school and 

quidditch things and effects in the dorm makes me feel I should be able to look over and see him thumbing through one of his books."

 

I remained silent and simply squeezed his shoulder, still unsure of what to say that would comfort him.

 

"It's been, what, a month now?" he asked in frustration.

 

"Almost three weeks." I said quietly.  "Remus...I miss him."

 

"Me too, Lily." he said as he slung his arm around my shoulder.

 

"I feel like an ass."  I continued as I chewed on my lip.  "I just keep thinking of how aweful I've been to him in the past -"

 

"Lily," he interrupted, "don't think on it.  It is what it is - the past.  The two of you are on good terms now."

 

"I know." I said tiredly.  "I feel - oh, I don't know what I bloody _feel_." 

 

"It will be fine, Lily.  Nothing stops you from finding out whatever it is you want to know."

 

I gave him an appreciative smile, wondering how it was suddenly _he_   that was comforting _me_ instead of the other way around, as it had 

been moments before.

 

"I'm meeting the girls tonight." I said, effectively changing the subject.

 

"Oh? Running off to see the elusive 'cow', are we?"

 

"Yes, and before you ask, the answer is no.  And Remus, please don't mention a word of it to Sirius as he is hellbent on discovering 

what the COW actually is."

 

"Sure, sure." he chuckled.  "I am no stranger to secrets, Lily, as you well know, so I will not attempt to solve the mystery of the 'cow', 

nor will I make any mention of it to Sherlock Black."

 

I outright snorted as I pictured Sirius snooping around with a spyglass and an impossibly silly mustache.

 

"Will you ladies be gone all night?" he asked.

 

"Most likely, especially since tomorrow is Saturday, thank goodness."

 

"Oh! That reminds me," he said with sudden fervor, "I've spoken with the headmaster and he has agreed to the forming of a sort of 

dueling club."

 

"That's brilliant!"  I said whole-heartedly, happy to finally be able to _do something_.

 

"Yes, well it was actually Peter's idea, and the headmaster feels it would be beneficial if we all had the opportunity to learn how to 

properly duel, but most importantly, to learn to defend ourselves.  It will be like extra DADA, and optional, so as not to interfere with 

various schedules."

 

"That's wonderful, Remus.  Who will be the instructor?"

 

"Well," he began sheepishly, "the professors will alternate as supervisors, but the actual instruction will be left to the head boy and girl."

 

"Good."  I said, liking the idea even more.  "Ok, you and I can meet tomorrow to discuss it, and Sirius and Peter too, as it was Peter's 

idea and Sirius will most likely be filling in for you when you're not available."

 

"My thoughts exactly."  He said with a smile, and then bid me goodnight before heading up to Gryffindor Tower a bit more cheerfully 

than when he'd descended earlier in the evening.

 

 

 

 It did not take long for me to meet up with the girls, and soon we were on our way, bounding through the grounds and into the 

forest.  We would have been mere rustles and disturbances in the grass, had anyone been there to see, thanks to the uncomfortable 

but useful invisibility spell Eleanor had found the year previous.

 

  We reached a glen and slowed our pace, going deeper into the forest and closer to our destination.  Taking the familiar path, we 

went further and further in until we finally came to an area dense in plantlife and containing a small pond on which one side rested the 

base of the mountain.

 

  Making ourselves visible, we stepped one by one into the cold water, and after a series of bubblehead charms, we went under, wands 

alight, as I lead the way and Catherine guided Eleanor.

 

  It was so _cold_ , almost unbearably so, and it only worsened the closer we got to the bottom, which was only about twelve feet at its 

deepest.  Thankfully, only frogs inhabited the pond, which I reminded myself, for it was an eerie place to be, especially at night.

   

  I finally touched down and found the base of the moutainside, and motioned for Catherine and Eleanor to go on ahead.  They swam 

down before me and then disappeared through the almost unnoticable opening which ran along the bottom.  I waited a few moments, 

not keen on staying any longer by myself in the murky depths, and propelled myself through the same opening, my wand out in front of 

me, lighting my way.

 

 At last I saw surface light, and kicked off from the bottom.  I emerged quickly, and took away the bubble before pausing in delight and 

admiration.  Stepping out in a sort of daze, I dried myself and looked around.

 

  The COW, or 'Cave of Wonder', as Catherine had properly named it, was a small underwater cave we had discovered in our fourth 

year.  It was not large at all, having only about thirty square feet of flat stone surface above the water, which took up about half of the 

space.  The walls were high, though, and provided 'perfect acoustics', according to Catherine.

  

  Said musician had located our stash of wood, and proceeded to build a fire, and I gladly put out my wand and began to transfigure rocks 

into goblets as Eleanor cleared off a place to sit and laid out our old, scruffy quilt.

 

 Once discovered, we had made sure to bring certain things with us on our trips over the years.  The COW now had the afforementioned 

firewood and quilt, about 6 jars of pickles, a neverending bottle of Merlot (provided by Eleanor), Catherine's wooden flute, and an 

obscene amount of cigarettes.

 

  I happily took my seat and the offered wine from Eleanor and filled my rather plain, unadorned goblet.  As I took a hearty drink 

I admired the now clear water and the way the firelight reflected off the stones at the bottom and made the water's reflection dance 

around the walls, so that the entire place sparkled and shined.

 

"I've missed this place." I said sincerely.  "Eleanor, I would give you my eyes just so you could see it."

 

"You say that every time." she laughed, as Catherine finally sat down beside us after locating her flute and preparing her own 

drink.  She then cleared her throat, and the three of us grinned and raised our goblets before saying in unison:

_"To the night so free and fine!_

_To each other and to the wine!_

_To the joy of here and now!_

_To each other and to the COW!"_

 

The merrimaking then officially commenced, and so it was we drank and talked and laughed until we cried, forgetting all else but 

the fun we were having.  We even danced and sang, as Catherine played her flute.  I had to admit, we looked like a band of gypsies, 

running amok and being obnoxiously silly and carefree in our hidden place, where the only thing that mattered was being there with 

each other.

 

 

For coming to the COW meant forsaking the outside world, even if only one blissful night at a time.

 

 

It was not a place we came to celebrate special occasions, but rather a place to forget, reserved only for nights when we needed 

to escape and find solace.

 

 

 

 

 

It was _wonderful_.

 

 

 

It was _magical_.

 

 

 

It was _freedom_.

 

 

 

 

 

It was nothing but a few silly witches and a bottle of wine, but it was also _everything_.

 

 

 

 

 

It was _happiness_.

 

 

 

It was _friendship_.

 

 

 

It was  _unforgettable_.

 

 

 

 

 

It was _exactly_ what we were fighting for.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  



	5. Chapter Four - Bitter Relief

 

 

 

      Saturday brought with it the promise of more rain, and while I was apt to be unhappy about this, in truth I found myself indifferent. Besides, we had the Defense Club to worry about today, and with Catherine 'respectfully declining', Eleanor accompanied me, promising to duel with Remus in Catherine's stead. I was very grateful for this, as I had already made plans of my own for commentating the duel to the class, mostly due to the fact that Remus was excellent in defense, and I felt it wouldn't be interesting for the class to watch me get beaten over and over again. Eleanor, however, could very well hold her own, and I wondered why I hadn't asked her instead of Catherine in the first place. In any case, Catherine was serving detention with Professor McGonagall and Elle and I were walking to the classroom, clad in sweats and discussing the lesson plan. Sort of.

"Lily, you really give yourself too little credit." She said. "I've seen you duel, and I've seen you fight muggle-style. You know all those martial arts techniques, while I've only got my ears and my wand." I snorted.

"Really Elle, I only took two years of Karate, and that was ages ago. It was a fleeting hobby and I've since become tragically out of shape. I doubt I could last three minutes with Remus."

"Huh," she said wryly, "if this is you 'tragically out of shape', then I'd love to see you in top form. You run several times a week, and I know you’re perfectly adept with magic."

"Whatever," I said as we entered the room to find it empty, "I haven't been getting enough exercise and I'm still smoking, not to mention I eat whatever I please. I wish I had your ears, so that I might be better equipped to show the students how to fight properly."

       We sat down on one of the many mats which covered the floor in the otherwise bare room, and began to stretch. Noticing my lack of flexibility, I promised myself to make time for getting back in 'top form', as my compulsive nature seemed to remind me that anything worth doing should be done to the best of my ability. I briefly wondered if quitting my smoking habit would be included in this project, and was coming to the conclusion that I probably wouldn't be quitting any time soon when Remus arrived, a broad smile on his face.

"Ladies." He nodded. "I see our resident artist is not here."

"She's in detention with McGonagall for a bit of nail polish graffiti." I informed him. "Don't know why she chose to paint her desk, but she's off to clean it now without magic. We won't be seeing her this session."

"I'm afraid you're stuck with me, Remus." Called Eleanor from the wall, where she was stretching her legs. "Should be fun."

"I'm sure." He said, and I noticed he was looking at her in a very strange way. Perhaps he wasn't just referring to their duel, but he seemed to be anticipating it greatly.

"I was thinking, Lily," he said turning to face me, still smiling, "why not cover muggle defense as well? Surely we could all benefit from a few pointers. I know mostly everyone has at least a little experience with throwing punches and the like, but it would be great if someone could show some basic self-defense techniques to the class."

"Lily could do it." Eleanor said immediately, coming to stand beside us. "And if she can't, I'm sure Peter could, what with his love of boxing."

"Indeed..." Remus murmured thoughtfully. "I didn't know you knew self-defense, Lily." I sighed in irritation.

"It was only two years of karate! Really, there are probably tons more students with more experience than I." Remus chuckled, amused with my exasperation.

"Yes, well I think you will do just fine. Take some time to bone up on your skills, and you and Pete can lead the muggle defense lessons."

"Fine." I grumbled. I wasn't entirely sure why I was bothered, for honestly the idea excited me somewhat. I chalked it up to my insecurity of my 'skills', and my promise to myself was renewed. Looks like I'll add karate to my regimen. I sighed, but found comfort in the fact that Peter Pettigrew really was a huge fan of boxing, and could probably pick up any slack that I might cause in my lack of knowledge or skill. I would have to speak with him soon and work something out, so as to not give anyone the idea that muggles were not utterly helpless where defense was concerned. I was well aware that though Peter was of magical lineage, I was going to be under a certain amount of scrutiny from any Slytherins or like-minded students who happened to show up. There was a time when this sort of thought might have saddened me, but I was more than used to having to prove myself in the magical world by now.

       Eventually, the students began to file in bit by bit, and I was not surprised to see only a handful from each class show up. It was a Saturday, after all, and since this 'class' was an informal one and not to be graded, I hadn't expected too many to show up on their time off. I was surprised, however, that the headmaster had come to supervise, instead of one of the teachers or other staff members. Remus and I gathered everyone around the edges of the mats, where they were seated, and we took our place beside our friends as Dumbledore went about addressing us all. He mainly talked about the benefits of knowing how to defend ourselves, and the details of meeting times, supervisors, etc. He left the floor to Remus and me, and with Eleanor, we stood up to begin the lesson.

"Alright," I said loudly, "to start off, Remus Lupin and Eleanor Mabry will fight first. We could go over the niceties of dueling and whatnot, but most of you are already aware of the basics, and we thought it important for you all to see what a real fight would be like. An attacker will most likely not give you time to bow or pace out to proper dueling stance, so it is important to know how to handle yourselves when caught off guard. I will be pointing out various spells and defenses used to help you understand what's going on, and afterwards, we'll pair off and work on some of the spells used. We will not be observing any dueling protocol other than school rules, so once you are partnered up, feel free to strategize and be as sneaky as you want. Any questions?"

"What about unforgivables?" A Ravenclaw girl asked seriously.

"No unforgivables." Remus said with a frown.

"The idea is to simulate an actual attack, and though many attackers do not have any qualms with using unforgivables, you are to abide by the school rules and the law while in this class." Dumbledore informed them from his chair near the door.

"Right," I nodded, "just stay seated for now, but make sure you can see properly. Remus, Eleanor, whenever you're ready."

      In an instant they began, and I found it terribly difficult to keep up with what they were doing, much less pointing out this and that to the students. Everyone's eyes darted back and forth, and had I not already seen the two duel together before, I would have been sitting there with my mouth wide open. Remus of course, was brilliant, and seemed to match Eleanor move for move with a quickness that made me wonder if his own enhanced senses were working to his advantage just as Eleanor's remarkable hearing was for her. 'Probably so...' I thought distractedly, hurriedly trying to tell the students what curses and counter curses were being used. Eleanor was definitely holding her own, moving efficiently and swiftly, still not breaking a sweat. After nearly ten minutes of them going back and forth like lightning, Remus captured Eleanor's wand with a triumphant grin, and the entire room applauded.

"Next time, Remus." She said with a smile, and he gave her wand back with a chuckle.

"Sure, Mabry. It was a pleasure, as always."

      The remainder of the lesson passed by quickly, and I managed somehow to drag Peter away from Sirius long enough to talk to him. This was more complicated than I had thought, for not only was Sirius trying his damnedest to 'simulate a real attack', but I had to put out fires and keep the peace while making my way over to them. Peter was smiling excitedly, as if he couldn't wait for me to hurry up and let him get back to fighting the overzealous Sirius.

"Yes, Lily?"

"Remus and I thought it would be prudent to teach the class muggle defense." I said catching my breath, just as a second year came zooming past me like a corkscrew. "I was hoping you could help me do it, as we're apparently the ones who are expected to know anything about it."

"Sure! I'd love to!" He said, laughing at Remus who was busy scolding Sirius for conjuring rain on his corner of the mat ("It's realistic, Moony! The weather won't always be fair!").

"Great,” I said with a nod, "I'll get with you sometime soon to go over the specifics."

      With a "Sure Lily!" he was gone, and I was back to keeping the peace and answering questions. By the time it had ended, half the class was worn out while the other half was thoroughly riled up, ready for more. We agreed to meet at the same time the following Saturday, and with the headmaster declaring a job well done, the class was dismissed. Over the next couple of days I made good on my promise to get back in shape, and began to stick to my morning run and practice my long-forgotten karate. I felt like a fool for trying to better myself at something I hadn't done since I was nine, but Eleanor and Catherine were supportive, and Peter was more than helpful in offering tips. I found I liked talking with the marauder, as I'd rarely had the chance to speak with him exclusively in the past. He proved to be delightfully sweet, and his bashful nature was forgotten whenever he spoke of boxing, which was a large part of our conversations together. Catherine had even called him 'adorable' when she'd overheard him enthusiastically telling me of so-and-so who had 'the most remarkable footwork the human race had ever seen'. Indeed, Peter was the most endearing marauder yet, with Remus coming in a close second. As for Mr. Lupin, he seemed in good spirits throughout the week, and had I not any reason to think otherwise, I would have assumed he was still pleased with the undertaking of the club in general. However, I was much happier to note that Remus' joy was not solely due to teaching defense, but to the fact that a certain raven-haired beauty had been seen in his company as of late. At dinner one night, I brought my theory out in the open.

"So Elle," I said conversationally, "gone over to the dark side, have you?" Catherine looked up curiously from her potatoes and eyed us both.

"If you're asking if I'm a deatheater, Lily, I'm sure I don't have to answer that." Eleanor said primly.

"Oh no, I was merely referring to your recent fraternizing with a certain marauder." Catherine dropped her fork at my statement, as Elle just smiled innocently.

"I knew it!" she said, waving a finger at Eleanor accusingly. "I've had my suspicions for a while now, but it seems they're now confirmed: you're secretly seeing Remus Lupin, you little slag!" To this, Eleanor popped Catherine on the head, but both kept on smiling. I grinned devilishly.

"I'm afraid it's nothing near as scandalous as that." Eleanor said stifling a giggle. "But I would be lying if I said I wasn't interested in him. We've been studying together this week, is all."

"Hmm..." I said, "So you like him, eh? Good choice, Elle. I've always thought highly of Remus."

"Right," Catherine cut in, going back to her potatoes, "you know we think no one is good enough for you, Elle, but if anyone were to come close, it'd be him."

"Well I'm so glad I have the approval of you both." She laughed. "I'm not even sure if he feels the same way, and then there's school and the war and-"

"Elle," I cut in, "stop it. I'm sure Remus adores you just as much as we do. It's plain to see, with the way he's been looking at you. Why shouldn't you be happy? You have just as much right to be happy as anyone else, no matter if you're in school in wartime or not."

"Thank you, Lily, but it's all moot anyway until I know how he feels."

"Great," Catherine drawled, her mouth full, "it'll be ages before either one of you makes a move. You're both so demurely shy."

      I glanced down the table where the marauders were sitting. They were chatting away, seemingly arguing over something or other, causing me to believe the conversation was most likely about Quidditch, as Sirius and Peter were making wild gestures and talking a mile a minute. I caught Remus glancing our way, and I smiled, to which he nodded politely, and turned back to the conversation. I looked about the great hall, not particularly thinking about anything, but watching my peers and superiors talk amongst themselves. I rolled my eyes at the sight of rain at the ceiling, though it was only drizzling, and was about to turn back to my food when I noticed something peculiar. The caretaker, Filch, was running up the side of the hall, and though the sight was immensely comedic, I tensed up, watching him pant his way to the headmaster, who immediately rose from his seat, along with half of the staff. I stood as well, though I did not remember doing so, and made my way over to the head table without a word to my friends.

"Headmaster, is everything alright?" He looked murderous, and I suddenly felt very small and stupid coming to him and asking anything at all.

"It seems we have an intruder on the grounds." He said quietly, and then his expression changed, and he looked past me to the entrance. By now the entire hall was silent, and I followed his gaze past a concerned Remus, who had also stood, and looked to the great oak doors. Then, quite suddenly and with an almighty bang, they opened wide, and the entire school gasped at what they revealed.

A bloodied, bruised, and completely soaked James Potter stood there, supporting his weight on the massive doorframe, where he looked right past the hall and to the headmaster, before swaying dangerously. The hall was still eerily quiet, and as soon as the three marauders made their way to him and took hold, he collapsed, and the hall erupted in chaotic noise.

"Silence!!!"

      Everyone's eyes fell upon the headmaster, who was already making his way to James, along with Professor McGonagall and Madame Pomfrey. I found I was walking swiftly beside them, and kept my gaze on James form, supported by his friends, until I was addressed by the headmaster.

"Lily, gather the prefects and see that the students return to their dormitories." I nodded, noticing his intimidating expression was gone, replaced by worry and gentleness and unmistakable urgency.

      Herding the students out of the hall was no easy feat, but the girls helped as best they could, as did the remaining professors, and eventually all of Gryffindor was in the tower, congregated in the common room and discussing the return of their prodigal son.

"Did you see his face?! His nose looked broken!"

"I know, and the state of his clothes! I bet he's been held prisoner by you-know-who all this time!"

"Ooh, do you think so?! He's so brave to have done such a thing..."

"...bless his heart, the poor thing."

"What if it's not James at all?! WHAT IF IT'S REALLY A DEATHEATER?"

"AND WHAT IF YOU-KNOW-WHO IS ABOUT TO ATTACK!!"

"ENOUGH!" I screamed, and to my surprise the entire common room became silent. I took a shaky breath, trying to keep control of myself, and failed miserably. "Would you all listen to yourselves? This is not a time to get the gossip mill running! We are Gryffindors, for Christ sake, so ACT LIKE IT!" I felt Eleanor put her hand on my shoulder and I relaxed slightly. "Look," I said, more calmly than I felt, "we won't know anything until we're informed. Until then, we keep our cool and stay put. I'm not going to bed until I've found out something, so if you want to head up to your dorms, go on ahead." For the most part, everyone took that moment to retreat to their respectful rooms, so only a few remained behind to wait. I was fine with this, and was thankful for my friends, but I had no idea when Sirius, Remus, or Peter would return, much less if I would even be seeing our head of house or headmaster tonight. God, I need answers. A tense silence fell upon us as we waited, and my patience was growing smaller by the minute. I twirled my wand nervously as I paced in front of the fire, absently wishing I could be content to just sit quietly and watch the embers, as Eleanor was doing. I looked to Catherine, who was chewing her nails with a frown, looking intensely at her notebook though not writing in it. Her pen lay nearby, and I gave up hope that she would pick it up and begin scribbling, though I was unsure as to why I wished her to write in the first place. The Quidditch team sat at the table in the corner, speaking quietly over a game of chess, and my heart went out to them.

There were a great many people who were affected by James' absence, and even more by his reappearance.

      Time dragged on by, and I relit the fire as it was nearly out. I sighed for what was probably the thousandth time as the clock neared one thirty, and resumed my pacing, unable to be still. Only the girls and I remained now, the Quidditch team giving up their game only minutes ago to retreat to their beds, as we did have classes in the morning, as Eleanor reminded Catherine gently.

"Well I won't be going to sleep until we hear something." Cat said resolutely as she tossed her notebook to the floor. She stared at it accusingly, and I found my own eyes looking at the tattered pages in the dying firelight. "I could go for some coffee, though." 

"So could I." Eleanor agreed tiredly. She had taken to reading her history of magic textbook, her fingers trailing lazily over the pages for nearly an hour, though she was apparently having just as much luck as Catherine and I with occupying herself. She then closed her book and took out her wand, and with several flicks and motions she produced three cups of coffee, which we all took gratefully.

"Hope you like it black." She said settling back into her seat. "Can't quite get the swishes right for cream and sugar."

"It's good, thank you Elle." I said, finding my voice sounded dry instead of appreciative. I had long since bypassed the cool-calm-and collected phase of my temper, and was now simmering on frigid, if that was at all possible. The girls knew me well enough to not take offense, though Catherine kept shooting furtive glances my way over her mug.

      Finally, the portrait hole opened, and our attention went immediately to the weary marauders who entered. Without a word, Eleanor produced more coffee, which they all took as they seated themselves in front of the fire. My heart was racing, as I noticed evidence of tears on all their faces. Looking at Sirius, I felt my heart would break, as I'd never before seen him look so lost and angry at the same time. With a sinking feeling, I realized the look in his eyes, and I wished I hadn't. It was grief.

No one said anything for a few moments, unsure of how to proceed. Finally, Remus spoke, his voice mechanical.

“Well,” he began, “I’m sure you girls would like to know what the devil is going on.” He took a sip from his cup and continued, not waiting for a response. “You all know about the situation concerning the Potters’ abduction, so I’ll get to the point and spare you the details. They were attacked in their home by deatheaters, where they were captured and taken back to Voldemort himself.” He ignored the gasps that came from the girls and continued. “They were kept prisoner for nearly a month, most likely for ransom, until Voldemort decided to glean as much information as he could from them concerning his opposition. They were tortured,” his voice cracked, “and he kept them as long as he could. Finally, he realized he would get nothing from them, and first killed Susan, James mother. Not long after, he killed Daniel, and eventually he let James go. As soon as the guards led him away and left him, James says he stole the first broom he could find and flew directly here; said it took him hours.”

“My god…” Eleanor whispered, covering her mouth. I remained silent, trying to look anywhere but at the marauders.

“But why did V-Voldemort let him go?” Catherine asked meekly. “I mean, doesn’t sound like him to be the forgiving type…”

“According to James,” Sirius said in a frightening voice, causing me to jump, “the sonofabitch told him they’d be meeting again and that he hoped James would join him and ‘do his pure blood justice.’ Bastard.”

“What did James say?” Catherine whispered, eyes wide. Peter snorted.

“He told him to go to hell.” He said proudly.

“Good.” I said, speaking for the first time. I startled myself, and looked up to find five pairs of eyes trained on me. I cleared my throat. “So, how is he?”

“As good as can be expected.” Remus said as he stood. “Madame Pomfrey said she’ll have him right as rain in no time. Thankfully he has no lasting injuries.”

“What about Dumbledore?” I dared to ask, afraid I was prying too far. They all were standing now, preparing to go to bed.

“He spoke with James privately,” Remus informed me in what I thought to be a vague sort of voice. “Since there are now…no bodies, he’s going to hold a memorial service at the ministry next week.”

      I nodded to myself and bid them goodnight, explaining that I preferred to spend the night in the Head’s quarters this evening, which the girls thankfully understood. Sometimes, one needs to be alone and tonight seemed to definitely be one of those nights for me. I crept through the corridors distractedly, not noticing my surroundings until I had reached the portrait of a fawn, who inclined his head in question, looking down at me impishly. I muttered the password (‘Turkish delight.’), and swept through, seeing the fawn bow importantly before the entrance was sealed. Looking around, I sighed deeply, and went to the imposing bay window across the room. I opened one of the panes slightly and wasted no time in lighting a cigarette, before sitting down and looking about the cozy room once more. It really was a nice room, and looked much like the Gryffindor common room, save for the fact that the house colors were absent. I had found myself here at the start of term, but hadn’t returned as it served as a constant reminder of James’ absence. Truthfully, I felt the room was dear to me for the fact that I was to share it with him, though I’d only recently come to this conclusion once I’d realized it hadn’t felt right to use it while he was missing.

“And now he’s back.” I said to the room, noticing the fireplace was deprived of flames. I remedied this, and turned to look about once more, seeing the same large table and chairs in the corner, along with the same squishy sofa and chairs. The same two doors stood on each side of me, flanking the enormous bay window, and I had the sudden urge to visit James’ room. Flicking away my cigarette and sealing the window, I went to the door on the right and opened it without hesitation, before stopping to stare unsurely at the dormitory. It looked just as mine did, which did not surprise me, as I’d scarcely brought any personal effects to my own room since arriving at school. The only difference I noticed was the narrow door to the right, which was on the wall opposite the bed and therefore not the bathroom, as it was adjacent to mine on the left. I frowned, and stepped forward slowly, going through the various things the strange door might hold. Like a little girl who’d found herself in forbidden territory, my heart was racing in anticipation of what discovery could be made, though I placed my hand on the brass handle and opened it quickly, surprised to find it unlocked and even more bewildered to find a set of spiral stairs. Lighting my wand, I began my ascent quietly, which was not difficult since the stairs seemed to be made of stone. With this realization came the notice of the drafty cold that swept over the stone, and I seriously considered giving up my adventure for another time. Instead, I found myself at the top, where another narrow door stood in front of me. I took a breath and opened it slowly, revealing a circular stone floor that shone in moonlight, surrounded by stone turrets and the open air of the cold and windy night.

It was a tower.

      I sighed in what was most likely relief, before walking forward to examine my find. It was a small tower, probably only fifteen feet in diameter. Windy though it was, it was far from the tallest, but was of tremendous height, offering a stunning view of the Quidditch pitch and the lake. The forest looked dark and eerie as ever around the edges of the grounds, but one look at the sparkling lake or the sky overhead and it was forgotten, to be replaced by the wondrous stars and unreachable horizon. I smiled at the Quidditch pitch, ignoring the cold wind and letting my hair swirl about my face. 

“Welcome back James.”

      The wind seemed to pick up in response, comforting in it’s bitterness, and I turned to head back down for bed. Tomorrow, I would bring my things to my new room and seek out a telescope for the tower, hoping to have the Head’s quarters good and ready for the Head Boy’s return. 

 

 


	6. Chapter Five - The Difficulties of Being a Bond Girl

 

 

      As expected, the entire school was abuzz with talk of the mysterious return of James Potter the following day, and while everyone was for the most part relieved, rumors were already circulating. The girls and I sat with the marauders at meals, trying our best to ignore the surrounding chatter and dodge the never ending questions thrown our way, though our patience was being tried, none more so than Sirius’. He’d already scared off a pair of second year boys, and was content to remain glowering in silence while we ate our dinner. I was attempting to chat with Peter, but found it hard to listen properly to his ideas for our muggle defense lessons. Try as I might, I was a bundle of nerves, for I had yet to visit James in the infirmary and couldn’t correctly place my hesitance for doing so. Every time I had considered going to him throughout the day, my stomach would begin what felt like a circus performance and I would occupy myself otherwise. As everyone else had already been to see him and as I’d currently ran out of excuses for not going, I was well aware that I had no choice but to go as soon as I’d finished my meal. I ate as slow as I could, partly because I wasn’t the least bit hungry, but mostly because I was dreading doing what I knew I had to do. I wasn’t entirely sure why I suddenly didn’t want to see him, for I’d longed for nothing of his return since the first night back. I wrote it off as insecurity over seeing him hospitalized and grieving, though I knew it was most likely due to the fact that I was insecure of my confused feelings for him, whatever they were now.

It would be so much easier if I still saw him as that big-headed prick.

Or would it?

“So are you and Pete prepared to go ahead with the muggle defense lessons?” Remus asked me, and I jerked my head up from my half-eaten pie.

“Oh, um, not quite.” I stuttered. “We’ll be ready next Saturday for sure, though.” Peter nodded and went on about what we had left to cover. I said a silent prayer of thanks for him taking the attention off of me. Why the hell was I so rattled?

“Excellent.” I heard Remus say. “Then tomorrow we go over what we covered last week.”

“I’ll be glad when James can resume his role and put you out of commission, Remus.” Sirius said firmly. “At least he won’t mind a little weather simulation.”

“Sirius,” Catherine laughed, patting his arm maternally, “Just because you act like a prat doesn’t mean Remus is any less qualified than James.”

“Thank you, Eleanor.” Remus said with a look to the still-glowering Sirius. “I’m afraid I do agree with Mr. Black, though. I will be glad to give back James’ headship along with the headaches that go with it. Especially the ones named Peter and Sirius.” I laughed at that, but said nothing. It will be nice to work with James. Hopefully.

“Surely you’ll still help with the defense class, though?” Eleanor asked coyly, and I shared a look with Catherine.

“Of course,” he said, “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” I had to hide my smile as Catherine rolled her eyes to the ceiling. Eleanor and Remus had been getting only slightly more flirtatious with each passing day, provoking Catherine to act exasperated with them every chance she got.

      Eventually I was forced to take my leave to the infirmary; ‘forced’ being an indirect guilt-trip from Remus. Perhaps it wasn’t so indirect; one could never tell with him, the sneaky wolf. Though I kept my steps small and slow, I found myself at the entrance in no time, and I suddenly wished I’d brought the girls with me for moral support. 'Dammit girl, you’re not even the one in the hospital,' I scolded myself.  Then, as one is found doing so often when faced with doorways that lead to uncertainty, I steeled myself and squared my shoulders, hoping that I looked more confident than I felt as I stepped inside.

Only three beds down was James, asleep and unaware of my somersaulting stomach.

“Miss Evans,” a harassed Madame Pomfrey whispered as she strode over to me, “I trust you know Mr. Potter needs his rest!” Honestly, I couldn’t remember ever seeing Poppy Pomfrey looking anything but harassed. I nodded, still standing in the middle of the aisle.

“I won’t be long.” I told her quietly. She returned to her office with a frown, but said nothing, and I began to walk to James’ bed, feeling my confidence return slightly. I stood there staring down at him, noticing he looked far better than he did the previous night, and I smiled that he seemed to be making a good recovery thus far. He still looked strange though, even in sleep, for his features were sunken and his skin was still riddled with bruises. His hair was in even more disarray than usual, and I was surprised to see unmistakable stubble around his mouth and jaw. He’d always been clean-shaven, and as such I’d never given thought to him actually having facial hair. I liked it on him, though. It seemed to suit him in an odd, alluring way. I caught myself staring at his neck, and my eyes took in his Adam’s apple and firm jaw line up to his mouth. He slept with a grimace, but I could not be sure if this was a normal trait of his or if it was a recent development. I hoped he wasn’t reliving what had happened to him in his sleep, for it seemed cruel enough to only happen once to anybody. He stirred slightly and I backed away, though he remained asleep and only seemed to adjust his arms, one of which, I noticed, was in a sling. Suddenly feeling as though my time had expired, I quickly left the hospital wing as quietly as I could, letting out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding only when I heard the door close behind me.

 

                                                                                                   ~~~

 

 “Really, Elle, just get on with it!” Catherine cried. The girls had taken to joining me on my morning routine, and while I was thankful, this particular morning I was developing a terrible headache. Whether caused by Catherine’s admonishing Elle relentlessly or by my lack of sleep the previous night, I didn’t know. Presently, I chose to blame it on Catherine.

“Well,” Elle panted as we ran around the edge of the lake, “there is a Hogsmeade trip coming up soon. I suppose I can drop a few hints.” The early morning fog was lifting slightly, but our breaths came out in puffs of white as the air was still cold and damp. I shook my hair out of my eyes with a growl, growing more furious with it by the second. Really, it was becoming a menace. And damn this infernal headache!

“Christ, Eleanor, just ask him out.” I said shortly, as we began to slow down.

“Lily,” she said patiently, ignoring my tone, “I’d rather he ask me instead. We’ve been over this. I’m still not entirely sure he feels-”

“Bullocks.” Cat said, bending over to catch her breath. “If you’re not sure now, you never will be. Just ask him out before I do it for you.” I began stretching, not caring to go over the situation again and anxious to get my practice out of the way.

“We’ll see. I’m not in any hurry to make a mess of things. Lily dear, do you want any help?”

“Sure.” I lifted my leg which Eleanor grasped and held upward, and I was pleased with the fact that I didn’t need to hold on to her for balance this time around. Perhaps I was getting back in top form after all. Now if only I could keep my dastardly hair from strangling me, I might be able to move about easier. I blew it out in a huff, and Catherine frowned, examining it from her newfound vantage point on the ground.

“You could always cut it, Lily,” she said, “or charm it into a shorter style.” I switched legs with Eleanor and considered her proposal, wondering why I hadn’t thought of it before.

“Not a bad idea.” I said seriously, and she raised her eyebrows. “I’ve worn it long for so many years now, I’ve forgotten I could just wave my wand and change it. Maybe something shorter would be good. It would be more manageable.”

“I think it would look lovely.” She said in approval. “Besides, if you don’t like it, you can always charm it back.” I nodded, and brought my leg down, beginning to go over various kicks and punches. I tuned out the girls as I went through the steps, finding them easier than I had originally and was glad for it. I could now spin and dive and roll, maintaining my balance and keeping my form. This would have brought a smile to my face, had I not been using my workout to vent my frustrations. I had yet to actually speak to James, as I hadn’t returned to see him since my previous visit. Keeping focused with my defense skills, not to mention my workouts and studies and head duties, I had enough on my plate at the moment to worry with too much else. Throwing myself into work seemed therapeutic in my case, and though I was turning into a regular ice queen with each passing day, I was getting excellent results, both schoolastically and physically, though I didn’t deny another trip to the COW would be welcomed with open arms. 

Perhaps we could go this weekend, if schedules permitted.

“James is due to be released by Sunday, according to Sirius.” I heard Eleanor say. Funny, how tuning someone out to focus on your frustrations doesn’t work when that someone brings up said frustrations. I resumed my sparring match with my invisible partner, as their conversation continued and my headache intensified.

“That’s great! I was hoping he’d be back in the saddle before the first match. We play Ravenclaw, I hear.” Catherine was not the biggest of Quidditch fans, but never missed an opportunity to see the ‘sweaty, sensual display of masculinity’, as she called it.

“Yes, he’s doing much better. You should go see him, Lily; I hear Madame Pomfrey’s actually allowing him to walk about the room now.” I smiled at Eleanor’s light tone, and didn’t reply, internally hoping to decapitate my ‘opponent’ with a swift roundhouse to the head. I imagined I was successful, and was oddly pleased with the fact that my imagination was manifesting my enemy to be one, James Potter. Finally satisfied that I’d had a thorough workout for the morning, I turned to the girls and tried to catch my breath, still smiling, and found them both looking at me as though I was a homicidal maniac.

“What?” I panted, yanking my hair back yet again.

Perhaps I am a bit mad after all. 

 

                                                                                                  ~~~

 

“You’re mad, Lily.” I looked up at Remus with a smirk and noticed he was blushing profusely. “Barking. Eleanor Mabry would never give someone like me the time of day.”

“Really Remus, she already has ‘given you the time of day’. Cat and I are sick of seeing you two dance in circles around each other, and I imagine Peter and Sirius are as well.”

“Well, Sirius might have mentioned it…”

“Precisely, so just ask her out!” We were in the library under the pretenses of studying for potions, when in reality I had asked Remus to meet me so that I might put an end to the suffering of all those who wished for he and Eleanor to get off their arses and come out with their feelings. Both parties knew nothing of this, of course, but I had acquired Catherine’s full support.

“Lily,” he said, then noticing the prowling Madame Pince he lowered his voice, “Lily, you know the situation is more…complicated than that. I don’t want Eleanor to see me as a monster.”

“She doesn’t.” I assured him. “Though depending on how you are in the sack, her views are subject to change.” He gave me an unamused sort of glare, and sighed for the umpteenth time.

“You know what I mean.”

“Of course I do. Look, I know Elle, and she’s the last person to pass judgment on anyone. Seriously Remus, the girl has an enormous sense of understanding and a remarkably open mind. I’ve heard her speak repeatedly about unfair prejudices in the wizarding world, even those of the fuzzy sort.” He scowled, but I held my smirk intact.

“Caring about the rights of magical beings doesn’t mean she’ll be open to be involved with one herself.”

“Says who? Why not just ask her to Hogsmeade and see how it goes, and then if you’re still not completely enamored with her, you can forget the whole thing. If you are, then cross that bridge when you come to it. If I know our Eleanor, she’ll see you just as I do, and the rest of the marauders. If by some far off chance she doesn’t, well…then she doesn’t deserve you. You’re a wonderful person, Remus, and you have a beautiful soul, made even more beautiful by the fact that you’re special. You’re still you, because your ‘condition’ is a part of you, and has helped make you who you are.”

“Lily, I-thank you.” He blinked. “You always find a way to make me feel better about this sort of thing.”

“Eh, buy me some chocolate when you take Elle to Hogsmeade and we’ll call it even.” I smiled victoriously. He laughed and shook his head.

“Consider it done.” And with that, the topic was closed, and we finally got around to actually discussing our potions homework, which we’d both neglected completely.

 

                                                                                                  ~~~

 

      Remus made good on his word, and promptly asked Eleanor out to Hogsmeade the following evening. I was just hearing all the gory details when Catherine entered the dormitory in a commendable show of utter exhaustion. Upon seeing me sitting on my ‘old bed’, she perked up though, breaking into a cheeky grin accompanied with a whistle.

“Wow Lily, looks like there actually is a steamy seductress in you yet!”

“You like it?” I asked, shaking my now short hair back and forth in mock ‘sexiness’. It was a simple bob, rounded, and fell mostly to my shoulders, though I’d managed to mess up the pronunciation when casting the charm, and as a result the front layers were slightly longer. It was barely noticable, but I had been looking up a way to fix it when Catherine made her entrance.

“I love it. Makes you look like a Bond Girl.”

“Ha, well thanks. I’ve got to get these front strands to even out with the rest though, before I can go steal a car and bed Mr. Connery.”

“Nah, just leave ‘em. They’re hardly noticeable and give it that sort of sly-come-hither-movement thing you’ve got going.” She said in all seriousness. I blinked up at her before shrugging and closing the book. While I did enjoy my ‘new look’, I was never one to give too much thought to hairstyles, and promptly began to change topic.

“Seems it will be just the two of us come Saturday, Cat. Elle’s got herself a date with a marauder.” At this, Catherine did a sort of victory dance, and began drilling Eleanor for all of those gory details I had already been subject to earlier. I listened to them with a peaceful smile, reclining on my now seldom-used bed and running my fingers through my hair. It really was quite nice, I decided, and a hell of a lot more manageable, even if it wasn’t exactly like the picture in the book. Ah well, here’s to being a newly instated Bond Girl. Thank goodness my physique was keeping up with my image. As I began to amusedly run through what various crude names I could give myself, I began to drift off to sleep, laughing slightly at my own silliness and Eleanor’s excited ramblings to an even more excited Catherine.

 

                                                                                                  ~~~

 

      The defense lesson that Saturday proved to be more productive than the last, and the majority of the students had been excited with the prospect of learning muggle defense in addition to ‘all that cool stuff Remus and Elle were showing them’. Peter had been nearly bouncing with delight when I gave the floor to him to discuss what we’d be covering, and by the time the class was dismissed, I felt much better about starting in on our lessons in a week’s time. My good spirits only increased with the prospect of going to Hogsmeade, which we used as an excuse to end the class half an hour earlier than usual. Eleanor was positively glowing when she left on Remus’ arm, but Catherine was beaming brighter than anyone. She looked and sounded like a proud mother hen all the way to the village, and Sirius was happy to give her an ear so that she may dote as much as she pleased. This left me speaking with Peter most of the time, which was fine by me as he didn’t seem to have too much to say, and we could enjoy the last of the pleasant weather before winter officially set in. He then ran off with Sirius to Zonkos, at which point Catherine and I began to window shop. It was a pleasant day, if not a bit overcast with afternoon clouds, and I imagined nothing could take the smile off my face.

“Lily, do you see the stares you’re attracting? I even saw Severus Snape do a double take!”

“Oh please, Cat, I doubt I’m turning that many heads. It’s just a haircut.”

“Whatever you say, but Snape did look at you-There! He did it again! Lily, I do believe you’ve even managed to charm the snake.” I frowned, not daring to look across the street to where said Slytherin was said to be. In truth, I hadn’t had much interaction with the elusive Severus Snape, other than the rare occasion I’d been partnered with him in potions. Oh and then there was last year, when he’d been so kind as to point out he didn’t need the help of someone with non-magical parents when he’d been dangled in mid-air by James and Sirius. He seemed to be undoubtedly harsh, and I was not inclined to be friendly to him at all this year, but he did not deserve cruelty, and more often than not I found myself pitying him for reasons unknown. Perhaps it was the fact that he’d fallen victim to the bullying of the marauders over the years, in which case my pity was justly placed. Still, I did find him intriguing, and found myself wondering for not the first time what could cause someone with his intelligence and talent to be so goddamn bitter. I was just about to resume my window shopping with Cat and ignore the matter, when a shadow fell over me and caused me to look up. Severus Snape stood there, frowning so intently I thought his eyebrows might fall off his face. “Good afternoon, Severus.” I said stiffly, gathering my wits. He glanced briefly at Catherine who was watching with her mouth slightly agape.

“Evans.” He nodded. “I was wondering if I might have a word.” He seemed very serious, and I noticed he looked even more thin than usual, though this might have been due to the fact that he’d grown nearly a foot since the year previous.

“Alright.” I said, motioning for Catherine to wait while I stepped down the street with him. He stood straight as a board, glancing about in what could only be described as a paranoid fashion, his hands clasped behind him. He stopped suddenly and cleared his throat.

“Evans,” he began, and if possible, seemed to frown even deeper, “I am not the sort to beat around the bush, so I’ll get to the point: I wish to apologize for my behavior last year. It was poor taste on my part, and I am deeply sorry. I would also like to extend a belated thanks for your attempt to keep Potter in line.” I honestly didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing at all, blinking up at him. He sighed impatiently.

“Look Evans, I’ve been greatly humbled in confronting you on this matter, so it would be appreciated if you could do me the courtesy of responding.”

“I-apology accepted, Severus.” I managed, and found myself smiling slightly. “I only wished to help someone who was being treated unfairly.”

“Be that as it may, Evans, my conduct was inexcusable. Were I the type to buy off those who I offend, I would offer you a round of firewhiskey. As it is, I’m afraid an apology will have to do.” I was outright smiling now, and found I quite liked this sarcastic, almost humorous side of Snape.

“Your apology is more than I had hoped for, Severus. Perhaps we can have a firewhiskey when I cross you, as I have no qualms about buying off those who I’ve offended.” He smirked, which I took to mean he was amused, and nodded his head sharply.

“Very well, Evans.” He drawled, and then pointing to my shoulder, said “I would also like to point out that you have a sign stuck to your back.” I frowned and felt around, grasping the paper and bringing it in front of me to find a the scribbled handwriting of Peter Pettigrew saying in all it’s juvenile eloquence ‘kick me’. I snorted.

“How clever. And Catherine had me believing it was my new haircut that was getting so many looks.”

“Indeed.” He said, as if only just now noticing the change in my locks. “Sorry to disappoint, Evans, though your new look is flattering. Granted, I am not one to pay notice to such things.”

“Thank you, Severus. Have a good time.” I waved, beginning to walk back to Catherine. He only nodded once before briskly walking away, and as I reached my dumbstruck friend, I found I could only agree with her choice of words.

“What the hell just happened?”

Indeed. Now I just needed to find Peter and give him a firm kick to the shin.

       I didn’t have to wait too long to find him, as he and Sirius met Cat and me at the Three Broomsticks for a drink before heading back to the castle. I spared his shin from the wrath of my foot and instead settled on pinching his arm. Hard. Sirius of course found the entire thing hilarious, and received a swift pinch of his own from Catherine, who was quick to come to my defense, explaining that I’d ‘had to have a chat with Snape as a result’,which I promptly had to explain, resulting in my warning the marauders to not lay a hand on him lest they wanted detention with Filch until spring. This shut them up for the time being, and eventually we went on to the castle discussing yet again the romantic drama which was Remus and Eleanor. I invited the group to return to the Head’s quarters with me, as no one was ready to call it a night, and all happily agreed. Sirius even promised to smuggle in ‘refreshments’ and even Remus and Elle were happy to socialize with everyone after they showed up, a brave thing for them to do, all things considered. They had each garnered a considerable amount of nagging and telling off when it came to their ‘feelings’ and whatnot, but they were spared any uncomfortable tongue-lashings due to everyone being in an overall merry mood, which intensified when Sirius returned ladened with firewhiskey. It was an enjoyable night, oddly similar to nights at the COW, only the marauders were even more boisterous and entertaining than the girls and I. I learned that Sirius also smoked, was a poetic drunk, and was even more enjoyable to be around than usual. Peter seemed the philosophical type, going on and on about the various unanswered questions of the universe and the like. He also could not be beaten at chess, inebriated or not, much to my disappointment. Remus sat quietly beside Eleanor, listening to the antics of the room and speaking occasionally, though he grew quieter with every sip he took. As interesting and fun as drinking with the marauders was, I became saddened when I realized James was still in the hospital, and I felt even more saddened by the fact that I’d yet to speak with him, as the second time I’d visited him he’d been asleep again. I tuned out Catherine’s guitar and the animated voices of my friends, suddenly feeling very selfish and inconsiderate. Either no one noticed or they choice not to point out my silence, for I didn’t speak again until I was bidding them all goodnight and watching them leave behind the fawn, who waved his flute at them tiredly, no doubt worn out from playing along with the music from the room in which he guarded. I walked over to the bay window and lit up another cigarette, not caring that my throat was beginning to get sore from my smoking so much this evening. I had found it was easier to remain silent with one in my mouth, and had camped out by the window in what I hoped appeared to be thoughtful contemplation. So here I was again, by the window and smoking another one, looking out of the partially opened pane but seeing nothing but James in his hospital bed. Perhaps I should go right now…just march on down to the infirmary and ‘accidentally’ wake him up so that I can finally speak with him and let him know how happy I am to have him back. 

'Yes Lily, I’m sure Madame Pomfrey would love to have her hospital wing smelling like a brewery. Just go take a shower.' I told myself.

      I did just that, practically running to the bathroom and jumping in, scrubbing off the smoke and alcohol and turning the tap as hot as I could stand it. How could I be so selfish? Poor James has been through what was most likely hell and back, and I’ve only been concerned with goddamn school and karate? And my hair? I groaned, suddenly hating myself, and got out of the shower reluctantly. Bond Girls might not have a hard time being completely insensitive, always seeming to be aloof and perpetually cool and ready for anything. Alas, I am not that detatched. I pulled on my old flannel pajamas and flicked my wand, drying my hair, unable to look in the mirror or wait for my hair to dry in the cold.

Some Bond Girl I'm shaping up to be.

      Wishing to sober up completely, I jerked on my white robe, wishing I’d remembered to buy a warmer one for the winter months, as satin really was impractical, no matter how pretty Catherine thought it was. I conjured up a cup of coffee as Eleanor had shown me, and though it wasn’t the best, it was hot and bitterly refreshing. I watched the steam swirl out above it as I entered the common room, before I noticed I hadn’t closed the windowpane properly from my standing sentinel in front of it earlier. I closed it roughly, and when I looked into the glass I did not see my own sour expression, but the amused one of James Potter standing behind me from in front of the fireplace.

I dropped my cup, sending it shattering to the floor along with my hot coffee and my dignity.

“Lily, you look as though you’ve seen a ghost.” He said in that unmistakable bold baritone and advanced towards me. I quickly turned and stared at him, unable to form rational thought. With a wave of his wand, the cup was repaired, the spilled coffee gone, and new coffee in its place in the cup. He handed it to me and I took it mutely, still staring at him.

“I-I thought you weren’t being released until Sunday.” I finally managed, slipping into clipped tones and squaring my shoulders.

“It is Sunday.” He said simply. “As soon as twelve thirty rolled around, I managed to convince Poppy to let me go. She only allowed me to if I promised to stay here where I wouldn’t get too much excitement.”

“I see.” I said dumbly, deciding to go sit in one of the chairs. He followed suit, sitting in the one opposite me, stretching out his long legs with a yawn. He looked much better. Great, even. I gulped as I took in his even taller and more lithe appearance. Surely this wasn’t the same Potter… With a start I reminded myself that it couldn’t be the same Potter, as he was now James, recently returned from imprisonment with Voldemort where he was tortured and suffered the death of both of his parents. Jesus.

"I like what you've done with your hair." he said, and I decided it was much easier for me to stare dumbly into my coffee cup. I did manage a dry “Thanks,” and I could feel my cheeks reddening slightly.

“I, um, tried to visit you while you were in the hospital wing.” I said at last, still not looking at him. “You were asleep both times.”

“Ah, I was wondering why I hadn’t seen you.” He said lightly, as if it was perfectly alright that I’d only gone to see him twice while he was asleep and hadn’t bothered to make an effort to see him while he was awake.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered. “For…everything.” I dared to look up at him and found him staring at me in mild curiosity, as if trying to remember something he’d forgotten. He nodded, and I felt I needed to explain further. “I-well I wasn’t sure what to say to you,” I told him, going back to examining my cup, “I don’t know why, but I just felt like such a fool when I saw you and I couldn’t think of anything I could possibly-”

“Lily,” he cut me off with a shake of his head, “shut up.” I did and he continued, rising to stand by the fireplace again. “You don’t need to explain anything to me. What concerns me now is catching up with a dear friend and getting back to business as usual.”

“Ok.” I said dumbly. Really, I am quite the poet.

“You know,” he went on, “I’ve often heard that life-changing occurrences define you; that you forever refer to your life as before that time or after. This is my ‘after’, I suppose. Call it a fresh start.” I stood and produced another cup of coffee before carefully handing it to him, as if he would disappear if I moved too quickly, like a deer. He took it with a barely-there smile and turned to face me. “It’s good to be back.”

“It’s good to have you back.”

“You’ve been drinking.”

“Yes.”

“You’ve been smoking, too.”

“Yes.”

“Why did you cut your hair?”

“It was getting in the way.”

      He smirked again, suddenly walking to sit back down in his chair. “So Lily, care to update your Head Boy? As Head Girl, I feel it is your duty to tell me all about this defense club, why Remus blushes when he mentions Eleanor’s name, why you were drinking in our common room, why it is that you haven’t quit smoking yet, and the reasons behind your new appearance. When last we spoke, you had promised to give up cigarettes, didn’t drink to my knowledge, and looked decidedly less…tough. Now I know what exactly Catherine meant when she said you’d turned into a regular Bond Girl. Explain.” 

“Well,” I began, smothering my laughter, which was threatening to intensify so much so that I thought it inappropriate, “You really haven’t missed all that much.” He raised a brow behind his mug and I sat across from him, feeling more comfortable and at ease than I had all year. “As for the new defense club, it was Peter’s idea, which I’m sure you’ve heard all about already. Remus suggested we also teach muggle defense, and as Peter is quite good at boxing and I have prior martial arts experience, we were selected to head up that section of the class. I’ve been getting back to training every day and as such discovered my hair was becoming impractical, so I charmed it shorter. As for Remus and Eleanor, they’ve been sweet on each other since start of term, and he asked her to Hogsmeade today, or rather, yesterday. After spending the afternoon in the village, I invited everyone back here, since no one was ready call it a night and we’d scarcely seen Remus and Elle all day. Sirius brought out the firewhiskey, and the rest is history. They’ve only been gone for about an hour now, you just missed the festivities.”

“I see.” He said chuckling. “Seems Poppy was wrong about the Head quarters not getting too much excitement. Well done, Evans.”

“Thanks Potter. I have you and the Marauders to thank for corrupting me.”

“Yes, but that doesn’t explain why you’re still smoking.” He said cheekily, and for a moment I noticed the old James. I smiled with a shrug, and he urged me to elaborate.”

“I don’t know, James, smoking is just so trivial now. It’s like Catherine and I determined; why not, you know?”

“Yeah.” He said, looking back to the fire lazily. We said nothing for a good while after that, both seemingly content to just sit with each other in silence. In reality, I had a million things I wanted to say to him, but hadn’t the first clue how to say them.

“I thought of you.” I heard myself saying. “I thought of you every day. I kept running through the different possibilities of where you could be and what you were doing and all I could do was remember how horrible I’d been to you in the past. I know it sounds foolish, but I felt guilty and I missed you so much that I just threw myself into Head duties and school and the defense club so that I wouldn’t go crazy and try to find you myself. I considered doing it several times, and went through an ungodly amount of cigarettes in the process. It surprised me, how much I missed you.”

“Should I take that as a compliment, Evans?” he drawled, still looking at the fire.

“Take it how you will.” I said, still surprised I had said all that I had. “The point is I’ve been a mess, James. We all have, I think.”

“Ah Lily, you seem to be just fine.” He said smoothly, looking at me appreciatively. I raised an eyebrow. “I think it’s the love-struck Mr. Lupin we need to be concerned with. Really, I’ve never seen him so…unlike him.”

“Nor have I.” I said wryly. “Of course, this is all a new development. I had to talk him into asking her out in the first place, which I’m sure you can guess how that went.”

“Yes, well you’re a good friend, Lily. One of my favorite people, at that.”

“Thank you, James, the same goes for you. Most of the time.”

      We laughed and began talking like we’d become accustomed to the year previous, speaking of this and that and never missing an opportunity to throw in a healthy dose of sarcasm and witty retorts. It felt good, I knew, to be able to fall back in with him as if nothing had ever happened. Still, I could not ignore that something had indeed happened, and was reminded of it with the way he looked now. He was as tall and lean as ever, his face now clean-shaven and his wounds mended. But his shoulders were broader, as if they’d grown simply to accommodate the new weight on them, which was evident in the way he carried himself now. He didn’t seem particularly burdened, but rather held the appearance of one who knew an enormous task was ahead of him, and he was balancing the weight of the future with the weight of the past for all to see. When he walked to his bedroom door after bidding me goodnight, I saw his stride was the same; an odd mixture of swagger and purposeful steps, like he always knew exactly where he was going and was completely comfortable in going there. His eyes, which usually sparkled in perpetual mischief, were now thoughtful and hard, only easing into a semi-relaxed state of smirking curiosity and then back again. When he smiled now, it was only half-hearted, as if his mouth had forgotten how to convey happiness, but not how to smirk. He smirked a great deal more than usual, it seemed, like he couldn’t bring himself to show any emotion other than the quiet, mysterious air he was projecting. I wondered if I would ever see him laugh like he used to, with a great big silly smile that reached his eyes and bared all of his teeth. That James seemed far away, and this new James with his swagger and smirks and quiet curiosity was in his place. He was obviously more than a little jaded, and rightly so, and if this was his ‘after’ as he had said, then I expected the old James was now lost forever, a thought that saddened me a great deal. Still, as affected as James now was, his pride was still fully intact, though now could not be called anything resembling conceit or arrogance, but rather a quiet confidence, which made me believe all the more that he probably could do just about anything and was afraid of nothing. It did not escape me that I had changed as well, and as I went to bed that night I found a strange sort of comfort in the fact that we had changed together, and I thought that perhaps his ‘after’ could be mine too. We were not the same Potter and Evans who had been at odds in past years, nor were we the same James and Lily who had become friends at last just months ago at the end of our sixth year. Now it seemed we were James and Lily, soldiers in arms adapting to the world around us in our own peculiar ways, both trying to find ourselves and cope with things we never wanted to understand. I concluded that our Headship was our sign of rank, marking us as generals or captains where we could exercise our power to command our troops, which were our peers. As I drifted off to sleep at last, I chuckled to myself at this ridiculous notion, but stopped when I realized it wasn’t too far from the truth, as James and I really did seem to be leading the way into some uncharted territory through example of our own reactions. My last thought before going to sleep entirely was of how much war seemed to really change people, by turning everyone involved into soldiers of some sort. 

 

That night, I dreamed I really was a Bond Girl, and when Mr. Bond entered the picture he wore glasses and had uncharacteristically messy hair. 

 

 

 

 


	7. Chapter Six - The Struggle of Stars

 

 

 

 

 

The next couple of days almost seemed surreal.  Almost.  

 

      James was barely seen without the marauders, and when he was, a large portion of the student body was willing to accommodate him.   The professors showed obvious favoritism where he was concerned, and with the match against Ravenclaw coming up on Friday, Quidditch was in the air.  While these things were certainly not abnormal, I found myself trying to get used to the idea of James being in the spotlight in a whole new way.  Before, he was the Gryffindor golden boy; the girls wanted to date him and the guys wanted to be him.  He was good-looking, an athlete, and a very adept student, but now it seemed to me that his spotlight, while still there and bright as ever, shown a little differently.  Whereas his light from before was carefree and uplifting, his new light seemed to cast him in a haze, making him seem more dark and mysterious.  I attributed this to his surviving Voldemort and living to tell the tale, not that he had ‘told’ yet, but there definitely seemed to be a new mystique about James now that was not there before.  He has yet to even pull a single prank.

 

I’m still not sure if I should feel grateful for this, or worried.

 

      Either way, getting used to the ‘new Lily’ has been far easier than getting used to James all over again.  Eleanor said that by giving myself things to accomplish, be it karate or hair cuts, I'm giving myself an outlet.  I had been unaware that I ever needed an outlet in the first place, which I told her, but I did have to acknowledge that what she said made perfect sense.  

“Sometimes we must do things which we normally might not do to preserve our sanity.”  She had said.  “Little things, like cutting your hair, working out, and generally taking on new tasks can only be beneficial to you, Lily.  It is impossible to carry on as you always have and come out alright with so much change and uncertainty mucking about.”

 

Such a bright girl, Eleanor.

 

      I took her words to heart and felt a sort of vindication in lengthening my workout routine and studying relentlessly.  My grades, with the exception of herbology, were now better than ever, and I was slowly growing more muscle and becoming slightly more toned with each passing week and kept busy with Peter to do all that I could for the dueling class.  As for my headship, I was working hard to bring James up to date and integrate him into the world of being the resident killjoy, though he made the task easier than I would have thought.  Still, I had to admit, with my self-inflicted rigorous schedule I had no time for play amidst all the work.  Apart from classes and meals, I hadn’t been spending near enough quality time with the girls or the marauders, and when James wasn’t catching up on schoolwork and head duties he was on his broom, catching up with Quidditch.  Sirius, of course, was attached to James’ hip, and even Eleanor and Remus were preoccupied with their time, choosing to spend their free periods and evenings together, which no one dared to put an end to, not that anyone wanted to anyway.  This left me, Catherine, and Peter together more often than not, which was fine, only when Peter and I weren’t working out our defense lessons, he was bound to be with James and/or Sirius.  None of this escaped Catherine, who was quick to point out our being forsaken while we strolled around the lake on Thursday night.

“I don’t mind, really.” She said as she pulled her peacoat tighter and shoved her gloved hands in her pockets.  “I mean to say, I understand that everyone has a busy schedule this year, and you know I’m beside myself with joy over Remus and Elle.  I suppose I just miss the way things used to be.”

“Me too.”  I said seriously, trying to find any stars that were brave enough to shine through the thick cloud cover overhead.  “I guess it’s part of growing up, you know?  Soon we’ll all be leaving and working and going god-knows-where doing god-knows-what.  Hell, I have trouble imagining any of us married and having children.”  Catherine did not laugh, as I had intended, but frowned deeply.

“Yeah, if we even live that long.”  Then before I could retort she said “I don’t want to get married.  Ever.  I wouldn’t mind having children, though.”

“You could adopt.”  I suggested, trying to imagine Catherine as a mother.  It wasn’t that difficult.

“I suppose I could.  Or I could just start collecting cats and become an old spinster cat woman with a smelly house.  The neighborhood will shun me and the children will fear me.”

“Yes, they might even call you a witch.”  I joked, not believing for a second that Catherine would ever settle for such an unexciting life.  She chuckled, though it didn’t reach her eyes.  I gave up my search for starlight as my neck was hurting, and thought about what she’d been saying.  “I don’t know if I want to marry, either.”  I confided.

“Ah, that’s because you’re so damn picky.” She said sagely.

“I prefer to call it ‘high expectations’.”

“Right,” she snorted, “so shall I tell your admirers to send in a résumé?  Perhaps hold interviews?”

“I don’t know where you get the idea that I even have ‘admirers’, Cat.  Really, I think you’re confusing my life with your own.”

“Nah,” she said waving off my words, “I don’t think either of us have the run of the school.  Besides, even if I have caught anyone’s eye, I’m not interested.  I feel bored with the males here.”

“I see.”  I said, fighting off a chill as I noticed the air growing even colder.  “I guess we’re both picky, then.  I just don’t have the time, and you don’t have the attention span.  Looks like we’ll be the neighborhood spinsters together, and have twice as many cats.  Elle will disown us.”  She laughed loudly then, and I laughed along with her.  Eleanor really was a proper little thing.

“Did I tell you?  She asked me for a cigarette the other night.  Poor thing said she’d had enough of studying so much and ‘wanted to see what all the fuss was about anyway’, so I gave her one.  I don’t think she liked it very much.”  I wrinkled up my nose, not able to picture Eleanor Mabry smoking anything.  I shook my head of the nonexistent image promptly.  “Exactly.” Catherine continued seriously, conveying she thought the whole idea as odd as I did.  “She even went all afternoon without her sunglasses yesterday, though we were in the common room, and hardly anyone was there, save Peter and Remus.  Honestly, I think he’s good for her.”

“Could be.”  I agreed, turning to go inside as Catherine quickly followed without hesitation.  Fall was all but gone now, though it was still only October.  The weather just kept getting steadily more frigid with each passing day, and with it, there was less rain, though I wondered if I would be missing the muggy wetness come December.  I had long since gave up on trying to understand the strange weather we’d been having this year, though it was disconcerting to think that it might snow on Halloween, which was only a week or so away.

      As we made our way back to Gryffindor Tower, we came across James, who was on his way to do the nightly rounds.  I bid Catherine goodnight and offered to go with him, since it was my job as well and I wasn’t the least bit tired yet.  It was an uneventful night to walk about the drafty castle, no doubt due to the students opting to stay in to study by the warmth of the fireplaces.  We only encountered three total, which were all sixth years who were coming back from the library, and then we greeted Professor Flitwick and caught a glimpse of Peeves, who thankfully was heading toward the dungeons, where we’d already been.  We talked little, just idle chit-chat, until we reached the Head’s quarters, where we sat down to the fire, neither of us bothering to open a book or go to bed just yet.

“Are you coming to the match tomorrow?”  He asked me, as I took off my coat and gloves.

“Of course I am.  You know I always go.”

“Just making sure.  It should be a good game, as Ravenclaw’s favored to win the cup this year.”

“Well, they’ll be in for a surprise, won’t they?”  I asked with a grin, pleased to see him grinning back at me.  Not wanting to talk all night about Quidditch with the Gryffindor Captain, I decided to change subjects.  “Will you be able to make it to the defense lesson on Saturday?”

“Of course.  You know I never tire of showing off.”  He said dryly, and I knew he didn’t mean it.  Funny, if he’d said the same thing only a year ago it would have been the absolute truth.  “Besides,” he continued, “Sirius said I’d have to watch you move around in tight black cotton; wouldn’t miss that for the world.”

“Really now,” I said with a roll of my eyes, “I think I’ll vomit if I find out Sirius has been leering at me while I practice.”

“At least it hasn’t been Snape leering at you.”  He said smirking.  “Though Sirius said you’re very good.  You should be flattered.”

“Whatever.”  I shrugged.  “The point is not how you look, but how you defend yourself.  Sirius would do well to remember that.”  This earned a hearty chuckle from him, and that in itself made me smile in a strange sort of victory.  I never thought I’d have to cheer James up by getting him to laugh, indeed, I never would have wanted to and the need was never there before.  But as I saw the smile in his eyes, however brief it was, I made it my personal mission to lighten him up whenever possible.  Besides, he did have a wonderful smile.

“It seems Remus and Eleanor are getting on well.” He said after a while.  “They’re always holding hands now and sneaking kisses.  If it were anyone other than those two, I’d say it was nauseating.”

“Bah,” I said standing up and stretching, “sometimes it is.  But then I think about how much they both deserve it and I can’t help but feel glad for them.  It’s adorable, really.  Neither one have had any prior experience to my knowledge.  Not seriously, anyway.”

“Hmm,” he murmured, looking out of the window from his seat.  He seemed to be half-listening.  Then, “I can’t think of any two people who are as kind and good as they are.  I always thought they would make a good match, but never thought it would come to pass.  I guess war has a way of throwing people together, doesn’t it?”  I nodded, looking out the window as well, trying to see whatever it was that he was seeing.  “War can also tear people apart, though.”  He said quietly, almost to himself.  Then without warning, he sprang up, and smiled almost mischievously.  “Come here, I want to show you something.”  I followed him to his bedroom door, giving him a look that quite plainly said that I wasn’t sure I wanted to see anything that I would have to view in his bedroom.  He only smirked, and walked on in, and I had no choice but to follow.  He led me to the narrow door that led to the tower and wordlessly opened it, going up the stairs without a glance in my direction.  I smiled, but said nothing, choosing to just follow him and keep my previous discovery of the tower to myself for now.  My finding it seemed almost private, and I wanted to play along with his idea of showing me something he thought was unknown to me if for no other reason than to humor him.  We came out on the landing and the air bit at my face and hands, and I would have cursed myself for not grabbing my coat and gloves had I not remembered that I hadn’t known I was coming up here.  Besides, the view was breathtaking on it’s own without the wind.

 

The stars were beginning to come out, seemingly one by one, as if they were fighting to get through the blanket of clouds that were illuminated by the crescent moon.

 

       It was beautiful, and for a few minutes neither of us said anything.  We could only look up to the sky and wait for the stars to fight their way through the night’s shroud, as if we were cheering them on with silent prayers.  They were so few and far between that I could not distinguish a single constellation, and even as some were appearing, others were fading away, while others still were simply cast out in an instant so that I couldn’t tell if they were ever really there.  Others, though, would simply vanish and leave behind a faint glow, and for some reason this comforted me; being able to know that they weren’t truly gone and that I hadn’t imagined them disappearing.  

“It’s funny,” he said, and I jumped as I realized he was directly beside me, “When I first came up here there was a telescope, and it had been used.  Now, I can only think of one person who would be able to come up here and who would be daring enough to try and see any stars with the weather that we’ve been having.”  His tone was quiet, almost seductive, and I hated that it made me blush in the moonlight, though I wasn’t sure if it was his voice or the fact that I’d been found out that made me feel like I’d been put on the spot.  Never one to back down, I cleared my throat and turned to look up at him in a defiant sort of way, hoping he would attribute my rosy cheeks to the cold and not him.

“I found it after you came back.  I thought it would be nice to have a telescope up here, so I borrowed one from Professor Sinistra.”

“You mean you hadn’t gone into my room before then?”  He said turning to face me, and I dimly realized I was facing him as well.

“No,” I told him honestly, beginning to frown, “I didn’t use the Head quarters until you came back.”  He moved closer, only a step, and I felt I had to hold my breath to see what would happen next.  Not sure what I even wanted to happen in the first place, I crossed my arms and looked back to the sky.

 

One, two, three…the stars emerged and twinkled in their ceaseless battle against the darkness.

 

“I thought of you too, Lily, while I was gone.”

 

Four, five, six…

 

“I thought about many things, and many faces, but yours was one I kept coming back to, even during the more trying times.”

 

One, two…snuffed out like candle flames.

 

“I want you to know, whatever has happened between us in the past, and whatever happens in the future, I consider you one of my best friends.  You really are dear to me, Lily.”

 

One, two…new flames appearing side by side, shining resolutely as if daring the darkness to take them away.

 

      I looked back up at him slowly, feeling a smile tugging at my lips, but not daring to let it show because his face was serious and hard, as if he were trying to make me understand, though I understood perfectly.  I nodded and brushed my hair behind my ear, my hand shivering.  He took it without breaking eye-contact, and then took my other, and held them in his own larger, more calloused ones, shielding them from the cold.  I suddenly wanted to be my hands, wrapped in James and feeling warmth amidst the wind, and impulsively I reached around him and held him fiercely, resting my head on his chest and squeezing my eyes shut.  His arms went around me, bringing me in further and I shivered as I felt one hand grasp my shoulder, while the other weaved into my hair and held my head.  I don’t know how long we stayed that way, perhaps only moments, but it felt like nothing I’d ever known.  It was both cold and warm and safe and dangerous and I could think of nothing but holding onto him, as if he would vanish like the stars above the moment I let him go.  I felt him pull away suddenly, and I looked up as he gave a brief but firm kiss to my forehead.  He smiled, almost sadly, and without a word led us back inside and down the stairs.  I stepped out of his room, unable to think properly, and was amazed I’d managed to gather enough wits about me to speak at all when I turned back to see him in his doorway.

“Goodnight, James.”  I said managing a smile, turning to my own doorway.

“Goodnight.”  He said, and though I didn’t see him, I felt him watch me until my door was fully closed, and the thought made me feel all the more dazed.

 

      I didn’t sleep a wink that night, though I was exhausted, for James’ words ran through my head relentlessly, and when they weren’t, the memory of his hands and arms were, punctuated by thoughts of flickering stars.

 

 

 

 


End file.
